Latest update:
I got into a fight with the receptionists at my OB.
They are pretty incompetent. I kept asking what the point of my 16 week visit was if I wasn't having a full anatomy. They had no idea and told me to just cancel...i told them to give me a nurse to talk to...which meant they put me on hold until i hung up and then called back. it took me around 4 to 5 calls ebfore they finally told me it was for the rest of my blood work and (quote)
"you can tell you BF not to bother coming. you're not going to have a sonogram. i mean if you do...well you do...but you're not supposed to"
bitch
so i scheduled a sonogram at That's My Baby, a place just for sonograms and gender screenings in Bowie.
Monday was a day off so i scheduled it and told aaron to meet me there (regardless of the ongoing strife...its your kid so either be there for them or dip...) my sister and mother were coming, mom backed out due to work and aaron's little sister took her place.
i was wrong totally wrong every prediction that i had said. that deep gut feeling... wrong wrong wrong lol. i'm officially team pink. or rather Team Purple.
I'm having a little girl in august. Or if she has any say in it...in July. She's measuring 2 weeks larger than she really is. with big feet and a big head...and she's tap dancing on my bladder...nestled right underneath my belly button.
none of this seems like much to you...but let me explain. At 16 weeks your uterous should be half the distance from your pelvic bone to your belly button. the baby should be around 4 1/2 inches long and way about 3 1/2 ounces. roughly the size of an avocado. my baby...is 8 ounces. an avocado might seem small in comparison to my 5'9" sister. i'm 5'3" (and barely). An avocado in comparison to my torso is pretty big...and knowing she's showing up around the size of an 18 weeker...well....its terrifying. if i show up in June and they tell me that she is already 10 pounds I'm going to say to induce me immediately. lol
i have another doctor's appointment in March. March 4th to be exact. A full anatomy with one of the OBs at my office ( there are 7....so i'm pretty sure I'll never see the same one twice...) we'll see if anything changed. Like if a hamburger suddenly morfs into a hot dog
There is plenty that I could say about Aaron...but not today. I'm too tired to talk about it. Life is changing so constantly that I'm simply too tired to keep holding on and trying to catch up... i think i'll just watch it for a while and create my only little nest out here for the time being... a little nest for me and my little girl.
Showing posts with label baby girl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby girl. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
seeing through the rage rage...
its been a crazy weekend.
i wish that were an over exaggeration...but how else to complete a bad week but to have the weekend of weekends.
i probably shouldn't say weekend since it didn't end until monday (if we could actually call that an ending or simply a line drawn in the sand...like so many other lines that I have already etched there over the years)
When it comes to Aaron I never get to say what i want to. i think its a fear of losing him. a fear that it won't come out right. or that it will. or that if it all fell apart i wouldn't know which way was up again.
aaron has always been the person to make me feel insecure...
but when i everything started to cave in last week...i don't really know what happened. all of a sudden i watched my life flash before my eyes and it was like i'd already seen it played out this way before. i'd already lived these mistakes. i'd already cried these tears...and i couldn't cry them anymore
and i laughed.
i cracked up.
even while i told meghan and she started fuming. hissing and spitting like a mother cat over the entire situation and i just couldn't get over it. even while talking to aaron i laughed. while he asked me what to do i laughed.
it took hours before i could even feel the tears.
it took days before i felt the rage
it wasn't until monday in the middle of day that everything turned from hilarious to ridiculous.
perhaps thats what i needed 4 months for. i think that maybe thats what i needed to learn. that moment where i didn't care about the consequences and i actually stood up for myself.
he tried to flip the situation. he tried to brush it under the rug.
he tried to tell me it was no big deal because he always comes back to me. i shouldn't worry because he'll always come back.
i said no. i've waited too long for you as it is and i've given you more chances than anyone deserves and i'm not settling for 1 inch less than all of you.
i not settling for less than everything
and i won't share you
you can't have us both.
he said she said that to
i told him i dont' give a fuck what she said.
he can go back to her for all i care. i never asked him to leave.
i yelled. i scolded. i passed up and down my street, not wanting my family to hear my rage as i told him exactly what i thought about this entire situation.
i thought i could wait. wait for him to outgrow his selfishness. wait for him to see what he had in front of him. wait for him to grow up and then i simply told him
i can't
i can't keep waiting for you. its not fair for any of us.
i'm done.
i told him that if i find out he's talking to her again...if i even think he's talking someone...if i even have an inkling that this bull shit is happening again....I'm out.
the end.
i've put up with it too long.
there will be no discussion. no warning. no arguments. no tears. no phone calls. just silence. i'm out
he said he didn't like be threatened
i told him it wasn't a threat. it was a fact.
he didn't say anything after that.
now for her...i had some choice words. another side effect of this new independence thing...
i can only thank the lord than i didn't have a car this weekend. or a phone number.... i would say that i've controlled myself enough that i don't feel this way any longer...
but i have no reason to lie in this blog.
call my baby girl one more time and i'll show you exactly how i feel about the moniker. [the rest of the content has been censored by the owner]
i'm just being spiteful...i tried to tell you...
i have stories. and details. on the usual nonsense...but today just doesn't seem like the day for any of that. maybe once my vision clears i'll be able to tell you more.
i wish that were an over exaggeration...but how else to complete a bad week but to have the weekend of weekends.
i probably shouldn't say weekend since it didn't end until monday (if we could actually call that an ending or simply a line drawn in the sand...like so many other lines that I have already etched there over the years)
When it comes to Aaron I never get to say what i want to. i think its a fear of losing him. a fear that it won't come out right. or that it will. or that if it all fell apart i wouldn't know which way was up again.
aaron has always been the person to make me feel insecure...
but when i everything started to cave in last week...i don't really know what happened. all of a sudden i watched my life flash before my eyes and it was like i'd already seen it played out this way before. i'd already lived these mistakes. i'd already cried these tears...and i couldn't cry them anymore
and i laughed.
i cracked up.
even while i told meghan and she started fuming. hissing and spitting like a mother cat over the entire situation and i just couldn't get over it. even while talking to aaron i laughed. while he asked me what to do i laughed.
it took hours before i could even feel the tears.
it took days before i felt the rage
it wasn't until monday in the middle of day that everything turned from hilarious to ridiculous.
perhaps thats what i needed 4 months for. i think that maybe thats what i needed to learn. that moment where i didn't care about the consequences and i actually stood up for myself.
he tried to flip the situation. he tried to brush it under the rug.
he tried to tell me it was no big deal because he always comes back to me. i shouldn't worry because he'll always come back.
i said no. i've waited too long for you as it is and i've given you more chances than anyone deserves and i'm not settling for 1 inch less than all of you.
i not settling for less than everything
and i won't share you
you can't have us both.
he said she said that to
i told him i dont' give a fuck what she said.
he can go back to her for all i care. i never asked him to leave.
i yelled. i scolded. i passed up and down my street, not wanting my family to hear my rage as i told him exactly what i thought about this entire situation.
i thought i could wait. wait for him to outgrow his selfishness. wait for him to see what he had in front of him. wait for him to grow up and then i simply told him
i can't
i can't keep waiting for you. its not fair for any of us.
i'm done.
i told him that if i find out he's talking to her again...if i even think he's talking someone...if i even have an inkling that this bull shit is happening again....I'm out.
the end.
i've put up with it too long.
there will be no discussion. no warning. no arguments. no tears. no phone calls. just silence. i'm out
he said he didn't like be threatened
i told him it wasn't a threat. it was a fact.
he didn't say anything after that.
now for her...i had some choice words. another side effect of this new independence thing...
i can only thank the lord than i didn't have a car this weekend. or a phone number.... i would say that i've controlled myself enough that i don't feel this way any longer...
but i have no reason to lie in this blog.
call my baby girl one more time and i'll show you exactly how i feel about the moniker. [the rest of the content has been censored by the owner]
i'm just being spiteful...i tried to tell you...
i have stories. and details. on the usual nonsense...but today just doesn't seem like the day for any of that. maybe once my vision clears i'll be able to tell you more.
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