stuck

i dream about this guy sometimes....and i really shouldn't be surprised when its happened because once in a while it just does.

and the dreams are always so real...like i read the text messages. i feel the hugs. the breeze carries a smell.

and i always remember them in the morning.


this first one caught me off guard. he interrupted another dream all together. just walked straight into it and up to me and said

::hola mija::

i text him in the morning to find out what that meant. he asked me why i asked that...i had to tell him he was there...last night...with me...


more recently there text messages

::i regret not dancing::

i woke up reaching for my phone...knowing they weren't actually there. i wanted to call and ask him what my dream meant.



i never would. i still have the last message we sent me

:i hope we can still be friends:



i wish we could have

i'm secretly in love
with the memory of you
and everything you always
meant to me
but i could never allow
myself to have

i wish i would have let myself

i've fallin in love
with the thought of
who....................you
.........once were
and i can't reconcile with with
...who....................you..........ve
..........become

it hurts to know i'm always too ...............................late
....to have what i deserve
i deserve you then
....but too afraid that you'd
realize i was no where
......................................................................................................near
who i am now
and you're........gone . . .
the irony of our situation
is................we'll............never
.....meet.............in..................the
.........................................................m......i.......d.......d............l...........e

i'm just stuck
.........in love you with.............................then

strike 3....f- that

So i quit dating. i'm just over it. done.

finished

finito


whatever you want to call it. i am official over the whole dating institution. mainly because i am the queen of being blown off.

wtf? chase me around a club, a mall, a restaurant...some how trick me into getting your/ or giving my number. talk. text. communicate. plan the date...and then within the hour of the date cancel

wtf

like seriously. you act like girls just throw on some jeans and leave the house. its a process...a long drawn out process...

choose the outfit. matching accessories. complimentary hair and make up. perfume. meal. location. car...and then your ass doesn't show

you've got to be kidding me.


seriously....don't call anymore

ever



die




like i get it first time shame on you....second time shame on me....third time WTF


the same guy has done this twice now. the first time i get it family emergency....second time your ass if just too lazy.

fuck

you


thanks

bye




i can't even think of anything else to say today. that is all


just bye

it is better to have loved and lost- w/e...you've obviously never had your heart broken

some people swear they want a love like Romeo and Juliet...but if you really think about it they were really more in infatuation that anything. I mean really Romeo was in love with Juliet's cousin when the play starts. if anything Juliet was is rebound girl...

i always wanted a love like Wuthering Heights. That I can't breath without you kind of love. That even if we're not together you are me...kind of love. well now that i've done that...i need to find a new kind of love that i want. (definitely don't want to do that again.)

anyway...found Wuthering heights on google books and wanted to share my favorite quotes


“This is nothing,” cried she; “ I was only going to say that heaven did not seen to be my home; and I broke my heart with weeping to come back to earth; and the angels were so angry that they flung me out into the middle of the heath on the top of Wuthering Heights; where I woke sobbing for joy. That will do to explain my secret, as well as the other. I’ve no more business to marry Edgar Linton that I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there had not brought Heathcliff so low I shouldn’t have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him; and that not because he’s handsome, Nelly, but because he’s more myself that I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton’s is as different as a moonbeam to lightning, or frost from fire” (Wuthering Heights 71)

“My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I’m well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff- he’s always, always in my mind- not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself- but as my own being; so don’t talk of our separation again- it is impractical…” (Wuthering Heights 73)

“You teach me now how cruel you’ve been- cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort- you deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears. They’ll blight you- they’ll damn you. You loved me- then what right had you to leave me? What right- answer me- for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own free will, did it. I have not broken your heart- you have broken it- and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me, that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you- Oh, God! would you live with your soul in the grave?”
“ Let me alone. Let me alone,” sobbed Catherine. “If I’ve done wrong, I’m dying for it. It is enough! You left me too; but I won’t unbraid you! I forgive you. Forgive me!”
“It is hard to forgive, and to look at those eyes, and feel those wasted hands,” he answered. “Kiss me again; and don’t let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer- but yours! How can I?”
They were silent- their faces hid against each other, and washed by each other’s tears. (Wuthering heights 141-2)

“Oh, you said you cared nothing for my sufferings! And I pray for one prayer- I repeat it till my tongue stiffens- Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living! You said I killed you- haunt me then! The murdered di haunt their murderers, I believe; I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. But with me always- take any form- drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss where I can not find you! Oh God! it is unutterable! I can not live without my life! I can not live without my soul!” (Wuthering Heights 146)

2010 the year of wackness?

please don't stand me up for a date and then text me the next day like everythings ok...


trust we are fighting



trust...



eh

on to the next one

so my boss is out sick today...so i'll be on facebook literally all day.

so my date yesterday. #fail

so i get off of work early so i can get dressed and i look hot. grey pencil skirt, pen stripe button up, black belt, sexy black pumps, sexy hair and hot make up. i leave at 6 since owings mill is 50 minutes away and i'm horrible with directions and i borrow meghan's car because mine has been acting up. so i'm driving and without paying attention fly by my exit and end up in westminster. fml. its 6:40 and i'm 45 minutes away. i look down at my phone and my sister has been texting me non stop since i left but i notice one of them is from my date

6:21 ::hello::

so i responed ::hey. so i might be a little late tonight. sry. i missed my exit::

he responds ::no no. i was hitting you up to tell you i had a family issue and had to go home to philly::

WTF...its 7:00. and your ass texts me to tell me that. not even calls. I live an hour away. i'm on my way. i didn't even know what to say. all of a sudden my car is slowing down on the highway...ppl are passing me and tears are filling my eyes

i hate dating

::o...well i guess i'm rushing for no reason. i hope everythings ok::

::yeah my cousin got hit up...but he's a soldier::

::wow. well thanks for calling me to let me know...i guess i'll talk to you some other time::

::i'm back in the am. i can come down to you if you want::

::SILENCE::

i call my sister. furious. embarrassed. so sick of the same shit.

ew


i came up. took off my shoes. put on some sweats. maid a tuna a cheddar sandwich, curled up in my moms bed and vegged in front of project runway. and didn't talk to anyone. before i went to bed i simply responded with

:Hmmm::

nigga that was strike three
1) you tried to grab my ass in a club
2) you never called. ever. unless you were the blocked number in which case you never left a message
3) you cancelled a date 30 minutes before the date over text message

p.s. i hate you.


he probably has a gf. or a wife. or a baby mama....or he's just wack in general. thats not even a probably. he is in fact WACK



f this. i'm going to be a hot spinster with 500 cats in a nice ass house and spoil my niece with everything she ever wants.

fuck niggas


get money

i hate the ravens

first dates

so i'm going on a date. and i rarely go on dates...so it must be a big thing if i'm actually planning on going an dnot just saying i'm going and then avoiding their phone calls

which might actually be happening...but i don't really know that its him calling from the blocked/unknown number and not leaving a message. who blocks their number and then doesn't leave a message. eh

anyway i met him at the club on saturday. and i actually was about to hit him in the face...which just shows you that this is a match made in heaven... :-/

anyway we're going out on thursday since he'll be out of town on saturday...so i guess i'll have to explain to my trainer later why i skipped the gym during the week or i'll have to go on saturday to make up for it (not excited...but i have lost 10 pounds...so i'm going to do what i have to do at this point)

so i asked him what time and where?
he says "owings mill. anytime your'e available. anywhere you want."

i think this is a trick

there is no right answer...if i choose a realyl cheap place it looks like i have no standards if i choose a really expensive place i look like a user

and i'm not the familiar with owings mill regardless so i don't even know what an inbetween place is.

i'm between bone fish, liberatore's and ruth's chris

bone fish:
pros- good food, reasonable price, never been.
cons- fish....

liberatores's
pros- love italian, reasonable price, good reviews
cons- kind of looks cheap, i'm messy with italian, never been

ruth's chris
pros- heard lots of good reviews, amazing food, great environment
cons- crazy expensive, not really in owings mill...

extra con- i don't know where any of these places actually are.

im about to be like f-it...meet me at cheesecake factory down here.


i thought guys made the plans for the first date anyway.



onto another subject. i can't find the pictures from the club on saturday and i really want them. The friday pictures were kind of skanky...but i was looking cute on saturday. but they're no where to be seen.

DaVaughn, Marko and Bim keep tagging me on facebook with the friday pics though.

not cool...


Spring fling is this weekend at McDaniel. I promised to go. and then May 1st is the 1st year back reunion. that'll be 3 weekends in a row in McDaniel. I dunno if i'm ready to see everyone again. but the thing about graduating if i really could just never see them ever again.

and i kind of want to show them they didn't break me.


we'll see what happens. everything seems to be in warp speed these days.

I live my dating life through lessons i've learned from my friend Isata and my sister. They both went through a dating phase...i tend to date one persona and then just date them for years and after we break up i'm single until the next date and then it happens all over again.

well i started going out after my last relationship. I started dragging Isata with me and she slowly starting giving pointers....without realizing she was. more like "if he can dance with you he can buy you a drink." or "don't do something stupid because you don't know who's watching you...and someone's always watching." "Never give your number out...always take their number. then you can choose if you want to talk to them or not" and "never pay to get into the club. they should be paying us to go." little things that i actually started reciting back to her when we went out on saturday. she couldn't stop laughing that i had remembered all the little things she said in passing.

my sister was pregnant when i finally became single. All those times she had asked me to go out with her and she wanted to do things i always said no to stay with some bf and as soon as she can't go out anymore i'm single...she was a little bitter about that. but her pointers are a bit more elegant...eloquent "people like us...with integrity tend to give too much of ourselves without meaning to. be careful. be wary. have a game plan" and "don't reach for your purse...i know i do it all the time because we were raised to take care of ourselves...but men need to know that we expect more of them than to pay for ourselves...you can still be independent and have standards" all of her lessons come with stories. the before and the after. what she used to do...what she learned...and now what she expects.

my standards have always been so low. without meaning to be. I just always thought that if i loved hard enough everything else would fall into place.

and i'm not saying thats wrong.


but i am saying thats how you get walked on.

and i've been walked on a lot.

i put on make up like

war paint

before i go out.

and when i wash it off i

secretly

............hope

some of my own insecurities

will wipe away as well

i create a mask

stronger

than who i think i am

without fears

or cares

or thought of what tomorrow

will bring

and people

silence

in her presence

they

..............stop

and she sway with the power

she has over them

......................................a..............l.................l

i wish i felt that

way on

monday

sometimes you've just got to learn the hard way

back to reality

alright. so this weekend was a whirlwind to say the least.


i've decided that i'm only going to go out once a month. well not even decided it just kind of turns out that way. I'm really not a bog partier. i enjoy going out and hanging with friends, but after a while it just gets to be too much. but once a month is just the perfect amount. get a new outfit, new hair style, (or the one i'm the best at), check the vlogs for new make-up ideas, and just go hard.

i want a name for myself...not a reputation


so i went out with mango on friday. actually lets go back further than that. We had decided to go out on saturday for a new club opening (fail...its just too soon to tell that story), but in the process i heard about a party at ibiza on friday. It was Don Jaun's birthday and too many ppl were going and it was just turning out to be a great party and i told mango about it and she was interested but had promised a friend to go to a sorority party. then all of a sudden i was going through the pix on the invite page (facebook...go figure) and there are 5 uploaded...2 of artists, 1 of the promoter, 1 of a girl and 1 of me....wait...i didn't say i was going yet. and i couldn't even talk smack because it was my profile picture.

so i called marko. "ummm...so i was looking through the pictures for the party on friday...umm...why am i in them?" he laughed of course (i didn't) he apologized and promised to get me in VIP for using me as the promo. i didn't want to tell him i was already in...but either way i told Mango and she was down. that was wed

then thursday she was up in the air

then friday she was thinking about it...look don't get me wrong i understand if you have other plans. I get it. but don't fake. and don't keep being wishy/washy cuz i could find someone else to go with...but her "man" works at Ibiza and i know if i went without her that would eb a big deal. plus isata hates ibiza. and last time i went with rudi she blew me.

maybe ibiza just isn't for me.

anyway she ended up deciding to go and was all excited. and i told her i was going hard...so you gotta either catch up or just be comfortable. (she wasn't comfortable)

long story short. she had a mood swing. some girl touched her. her man was talking to someone else. and she decided she wanted to stand in a corner for the rest of the night.

BLOWN

then after yelling at me for hours all night and the following morning...asking me what time to be ready for tonight

::silence::


you know when you're trying to be polite and not tell someone exactly what you're thinking...but being subtle just isn't working. so i just kept sending the same message.
*copy* *paste* *send*
she'd avoid the statement
*copy* *paste* *send*

i decided to go out with isata instead.

let's just skip over the whole club opening story because marko and i still have beef about that. instead he ended up at 24 the club i swore to never go to again. Fonz and Bim were there so it wasn't a total waster and Mia and Raheema showed up as well which just kid of put into perspective that i literally know too many ppl who go out at night in DC. i need to start going to different establishments


met some cool people. didn't spend too much money (still broke till friday though so i dunno how i'm going to make it to work this week.

took some good pictures....might post them we'll see



and now the weekends over. back to being me again.

i'm still here

my niece's favorite song is "marching to zion" I find it absolutely adorable that she immediately quiets down as soon as she hears someone start off with the melody

come we that love the lord
and let our joys be known

she opens those big brown eyes of yours and purses her little rosebud mouth and just stares at you...or the one person not signing as if urging them to join in

join in the song of sweet accord
join in the song of sweet accord

and then as the song progresses she leans forward in your arms as if trying to get closer the words and simply hums along with you

and thus surround the throne
and thus surround the throne

and when she hears the chorus coming she bounces...just slightly and smiles that toothless, drolly grin and sings with you (or grunts depending on what you think it sounds like

we're marching to Zion
beautiful, beautiful Zion;
we're marching upward to Zion,
the beautiful city of God.

i really like when life comes full circle. when something that happens today seems to soothe the pains of something that happened years ago...and when my niece fell in love with this song thats how it felt.



my father was a pastor at a church named Zion. He preached there for almost 10 years before he left...with my sunday school teacher. they have a 2 year old now...and leave maybe 45 minutes away...but the miles of heartbreak are never really ending.



i can't remember the last day i went to Zion. i blocked out so many of those days...it was just...shame...or embarrassment...or hurt that a felt walking in and out of those doors.



for years i couldn't even look down the street where it was located.



none of us could





but on every 3rd sunday the men's choir used to sing. they would meet in the back of the church during morning devotion and right before they began to march in they would start. quietly at first...building in strength..."we're marching to Zion"....



i used to love those days. the surprise of them...even though you knew they were coming...the strength in their voices, their character, their black masculinity...everything i wished my father was...and what i wished my future held.



and when we left that illusion burned with it...





until the day my niece smiled at the sound of that song.



it was as if the lord was trying to tell me something..like a soft whisper in the wind

be patient...i'll make it work. it's not over yet.

...i'm still here...

then let our songs abound,

and every tear be dry;

we're marching through Emmanuel's ground

we're marching through Emmanuel's ground

to fairer worlds on high

to fairer worlds on high

we're marching to zion...

what not to do

so I think i'm going to put together a book...or maybe a pamphlet, (depending on how detailed i end up getting) on "How to NOT approach a woman) soon to be followed by "the Correct ways to approach a woman"

Lesson 1 - Anything that could be described as, but not limited to, shouting, hooting, hollering, whistling, clapping, hopping, jumping, skipping, running up to, odd gestures toward, cat calling, or anything else that you would feel uncomfortable doing in the presence of the Lord...or your mother...is never appropriate.

cease and desist at once.

Lesson 2- Anything before the hours 10am or after 12am are not appropriate times to meet/approach any respectable woman and expect complete honesty or interest. He's only interested in getting one thing and she probably is too

i meant a drink at a bar....sheesh ppl get your minds out of the gutter

ok if you're a guy you're mind is already int he thus mention gutter...and i know what you're looking for

Lesson 3- Refrain from question such as "what are you?," "Where's your boyfriend?," or "You got any kids..." its an easy way for a woman to lie and avoid meeting you "umm american," "right there/at work/at home/not you" now the kid question...i'd lie and say 5 if it would get me away from you

how about "hi, i just wanted to tell you you're beautiful. can i ask you your name?"

nice....smooth...eloquent....sophisticated...

unless you just chased me across the street to say it.

Lesson 4- please don't drive up to a woman, stick your head out and actually expect her to talk to you

Lesson 5- Don't leave your gf and try to talk to someone else

Lesson 6- Do NOT approach her with your new born child

ever

definitely too soon

Lesson 7- during the first introduction do not tell me about your past relationships, your apartment in baltimore, what car you drive and that you love your mother...i don't care. if i did...i'd ask you

Lesson 8- Don't stare at me from across the room and loudly discuss features you like to your friend standing next to you...its not cute

Lesson 9 - don't talk about sex

Lesson 10- don't talk about my body

Lesson 11- don't tell me what you want to do with it

Lesson 12 - don't talk about your body

Lesson 13- don't touch me

Lesson 14- please don't stand too close

Lesson 14 a - please be clean and don't smell. if you just got out of the gym...sorry its just not meant to be.

Lesson 15- don't give me your card and walk away instead of saying anything....you look pompous

Lesson 16- don't act like its an honor that you're speaking to me

Lesson 17- don't be rude/mean if i'm not interested. its not me...its you...

Lesson 18- Don't interrupt my phone call

Lesson 19- don't try to force my number into your phone. or mine into yours

Lesson 20- don't just keep talking...if i'm not responding its because i'm not interested...or because you won't give me a chance to say anything.

random thoughts

i would like to thank bossip for creating a loophole in my internet access...even though i'm not able to go to gossip/pop culture entertainment sites, by becoming a fan of bossip on facebook i have a live feed all day long.

if only Media Take out did the same thing...


i think women executives are the hardest people in the world. Not only are they working 8+ hours and balancing a family as well as a career they're doing it in heels. Now that might not sound like much...but i'm an admin at the moment and i'm wearing flats...and i don't walk half as far as these women in their gucci heels.

and gucci heels don't have much give to them.


i think life would be easier if we were allowed to choose how we'd look before we had the look...like out of these 3 body types which do you want? what color eyes? how long the hair? it would just make life easier at the end of the day...like you can't be mad at the attention you're getting...you asked for it.

personally...i didn't ask...


i wish i liked wearing heels more

i miss cuddling

i wish my niece hadn't given me her cold


how much longer till summer?

lets just be friends

so the building where i work is its own self sufficient community.



i'm pretty sure if there was a blizzard (again) and i was forced to stay here...we would probably go for months before needing outside help. its pretty amazing...and just a little bit scary.



we have everything from 2 cafeterias, a full gym, gift store and beauty salon within two building connected by an underground tunnel and numerous police officers who's jobs are to stand at attention at every entrance.



they make my life a living hell since i don't have an ID yet so I have to sit and stare at them for a couple of hours every morning till someone is able to escort me to my desk.



but other than that this place is pretty amazing







on other news...i got rejected yesterday. like full on kick in the gut rejected.



i think the novelty of me has just worn off....its time for a new polish or something



he said

"first and foremost, i have to apologize. personally, i thought that i could
conjure up past feelings that i felt towards you but am unsure of any potential
between us. the initial thought excited me but shortly thereafter, as time
passed, that thought and the excitement it carried faded."

which was then followed by an adendum to try to make me feel better:

"i have realized one thing over the course of the past 3-4 months and its that
any idea of commitment, relationship, etc. actually terrifies me.

and finally if not only to add insult to injury but to allude to something else entirely:

"i have been single for over six years and recognize that i need to unlearn some
things for me to actually see myself in a relationship, or maybe i just have to
come across the "right" woman to lead me towards that. nonetheless, i am sorry.
it also has not helped that in the past 2 months, my sexual urges have increased
dramatically."

and if that wasn't bad enough he ended it all with

"i hope we can still be friends though."

So yeah. my sister and i had to have a long talk about it. i mean don't get me wrong i said my piece as well. we both had crushes on completely different people. The person I always cared about was this shy poet who couldn't tell me how he felt...but when he got on stage he became something else...he could take on the world with one hand tied behind his back.



if he had ever just told me what he wrote to me...that would have been it. i wanted both. I wanted his courage and his insecurities and i wanted to envelope them and distinguish and enflame and create something else with us both...but he's created soemthing else at this point.



he said that he has gone through a transformation and during that he learned a lot about himself...that being shy hindered him (which was true) and now that he's lost all of the weight that all these girls he used to like have come out fo the wood work interested in him now and he know why...



but i hope he knows that wasn't me. don't categorize me with them. because i've always been here...always. and to tell you the truth i preferred you before.





i told him i really wasn't looking for a relationship right now. I have an amazing tendency to get stuck in really bad ones when its up to me...or not up to me since i tend to go for men who make all of the answers and never ask any of the questions to begin with.



I think i was just looking for someone who cared. and who saw



me



and now what they wanted to see when they looked at me.

give me the moon

I dunno. I expect more from you I guess
demand more from you than from other ppl

like from him I can expect a smile
and from him…I dunno maybe dinner

but from you…I want the world
no the moon
the new moon
on a chain of Milky Way
nestled near my heart
to remind me of you
when you’re far away
and if anyone could deliver
it would be you

and I expect it

tears

there's a girl in my office i don't like.

and i really have no reason not to like her other than the fact that she rubbed me the wrong way the first time i saw her and i can't really put my finger on what it is about her that just

eh

gets to me.
i think its that her hair is just too blonde or her eyes or just too blue and her skirt that first day just a tad too short for a casual friday... or maybe she's just too sure of herself for an intern. and i'm kinda irked that she keeps looking down on me. oh my humble position as admin to her lack of a degree. but i guess ppl usually expect less from an admin at the end of the day.

anyway...

the weekend was uneventful. my niece has her first cold which means the world has stopped. poor baby doesn't know how to blow her nose yet...so she's a reck.

and no i have a cold too... typical...

i spent the weekend at home. i just wasnt in the mood to go out...i haven't been in a couple of weeks now. hopefull i will be this weekend since i've committed myself to go out with mango.

i did my measurments at the gym. i've lost 3 inches on my waist so far. a great accomplishment seeing that i haven't been dieting and the first month was the blizzard so i pretty much started all over again. the extreme diet starts today to be ready for may and june.

my measurements are getting pretty ridiculous if i may say so. hips no change ( i knew that was going to happen.) lost 2 inches on each thigh, nothing on the calves (blown) shoulders an inch, check inch and a half (not happy about that)...and got way more flexible (not quite sure how that happened).

just need to fit into the bcbg summer line in a month and all will be well inthe world.

my trainer, a ninja turtle looking gentleman that affectionately goes by "Black goo," and i had a long talk about relationships. he asked me what happened with my ex since i told him that he randomly called me the other day. I told him he cheated on me...he said "what? why would anyone cheat on you?" ::the question i've been wondering for years:: he then asked a hundred questions: did i do this? did i not do this? did i go here? did i not go there? did i do what he wanted? yes. all the time. but i think that was the problem. guys walk all over ppl that do what ever they want. they stay with the jerks. he said no.

he started telling me about his exs (and there have been a couple. He has 3 kids but the way...by 3 different women...he said he can't trust women and thats why he plays them so hard (interesting seeing that he's asked me twice now) i told him

"real talk...i wish i had. i wish i had done something....just so i knew. like at the end...after all those times he played me....i'd just know that i had something. that it wouldn't hurt so bad...so that i deserved it...ya know"

he started singing ::i shoulda cheated:: lol. loser

he asked me how it made me feel. lol. ummm...mad. hurt. humiliated...how do you think it made me feel.



then before i left he pulled me to the side and told me "you know you're a really beautiful woman. You're too pretty to ever let anyone make you feel bad. Never let anyone make you cry..."



i then went back to the locker room and cried.

typical.


but i guess thats all for now. No new poetry. haven't really been in the mood to write.

my muse has turned into a little smuttbucket and i'm not really feeling him right now.

i can't keep falling for guys who aren't the ppl they used to be.

so yeah...toodles.

highlight of my morning

Holly CTR 11:05:52 AM
:-D
hater
11:05:59 AM

Rikia: whatever
11:06:13 AM

iam a motivator
11:06:21 AM

Holly CTR
:-D

the dreaded 7:15

i woke up late today...the first time i've done this at this job...

just late. ridiculously late...and story is even worse when you hear it.

so travel with me and i'll walk you through.

My friend Shalanda is getting married in May. May 15th to be exact and after our tumultuous break up and un-break up (excuse my grammar...i woke up late remember...) things aer back on track. Now I haven't seen anyone since I graduated...except for the girls, but i haven't really seen them in a while either. So I've decided that this will be my motivation to actually stick to the diet routine...i've been doing the work outs...but dieting...yeah...about that.

and then he'll be there...we've already discussed that.

Also my high school has decided to have a 5 year reunion in June. Now i really haven't' seen any of them. maybe ran into a couple at the mall...but not hung out with any of them since 2005 (and i do use hang out very losely...)

so back to the gym. I had a long discussion with my trainer. he finally broke down and told me the aerobic classes I've been taking are pointless. they're a lot of fun but if i'm serious about shedding the pounds i have to the do the cycling class. (I hate the cycling class)...i moaned and complained and pleaded...nope. to cycling

yesterday was my first day.

::silence::

i wish you could see my shaking my head...it was...just...::silence::...

its an hour of non stop pedaling...no break. no pause. actually what "spinners" consider a break is pushing the resistance down and going faster. wtf? I thought my legs were going to give out during the first 15 minutes. and I've been going to the gym religiously for the last 4 -5 months...i can run ont he elliptical for 20 minutes and not breath hard.

after 20 minutes in this class....wait. you knwo the gasping, shaking breath that happens after you've been sobbing for hours. that ::hu-hu-ehhhh:: breath...yeah that was me.

yesterday

in class

I was sweating so much it looked like i jumped into a pool

and then got out and peed on myself

when it was time to get off the bikes and stretch my legs gave out and i almost face planted in front of everyone.

and the girls next to me who just had to be supermodel skinny with perfect hair...looked like she just came out of the salon

i look liked i was dragged behind a car for miles and then drowned.



so i got home...made a beef and cheese omelet. called and wished someone a happy birthday (another story for another day) showered and then collapsed.

unconscious.

at 9:00 pm

i don't think i've gone to sleep at 9 since i was 7. I was out...as soon as my head hit the pillow. not even as soon as i turned off the light...thank goodness i was already in bed.

woke up at 1am wide awake...drank some water and went under

and then stayed under through the alarms

5:00

5:15

5:30

5:43 (yeah...don't know what happened there)

and then my drowsy mind waited for the 5:45....which never came

I woke up with a start at 6:10 and rushed everywhere trying to figure out what pants with what shirt...and where are my gym pants and dammit i'm out of socks...and what about breakfast...out out out...

and got to the train station right as my train was leaving wearing a red plaid jacket over a magenta skirt...

and still got to work at 7:15

typical





i could have slept for 10 more minutes

fml

L is for the way you look at me

did i love aaron?

or tyler?

or ryan?


i thought i did...i genuinely believed that i loved me...

than then my niece came along

and if this is love...this feeling...when i look at her...of what i would give up for her...what i would do for...

then i had absolutely no clue all along

i can't believe that before you
i thought other things were
so
important
and now...i can't even seem to
..............................................remember
what those other things
....are

surprise...

the problem with waking up at 5:30 every morning is that you become accustomed to it. You start rising before your alarm clock goes off. you know the exact time the lights change driving down the street. you have a seating arrangement in the parking garage, (and hey you...i know you're new here because you keep parking in my seat...no acceptable...)

I also start assuming everyone else is awake when I am


they're not.

so to everyone out there who keeps getting text messages around 6am...i apologize. i don't mean to disrupt your sleep...but these are normal business hours. rise and shine

and play with me...cuz i'm bored as crap right now.

my coworker is out sick today. and i really have no idea what i'm doing. i dont' have access to calendars yet. i can barely schedule meetings. i'm amazing at answering phones...but who ever calls. I'm not complaining...i'm just stating facts.

and today is going to be interesting.


someone told me that it looks like i'm losing weight. I'm not...i've stayed the same weight for the last month i think...fluctuating between 5 different numbers...but staying in the same size pants. but i'm seeing a difference (i wish the scale was) anyway...i've only been working here for a little over 2 weeks, so for her to see a difference is pretty amazing. i should thank my trainer.

i probably won't...but thats our relationship. if we were nice to each other it would ruin the delicate balance that is...well...us...

ok i think i have to go. one of the managers was supposed to send me a memo to edit...i have yet to receive it and i hear her walking up here to ask me about it...oh lord...lol. this is gonna be a fun day

will you?

i’m less threatened by this new
You
.........in old skin
this new walk
...............this new talk
this less care
..........................and over share
..............for completely different
.................................subjects
i’m intriguied
..............to see
if with me
you can come home

to tell me when I’m being wack
in words instead of letters

and love me for who I am

and not who you’ve read
.................or thought
or rhythmically created.....................on a pedestal
........................................................................................................too high
............................................................................................................................to ever...........reach

But now i’m here

just me

as scared as i always was
............where you’re concerned
because for you i shed my layers
and for you i shared myself
and all you every had to do was
..........take
.............................me
...................................................instead.....................of...........................asking

And now I’m asking

will you?
....will you come home?
....................will you care?
...............................Or over share?
....will you walk?
................And will you talk?
...........................And will you be there?

for me?


just me

............................................................................................................now?

peas in a pod

so my ex called last night.

This in of itself is miraculous...after the unfortunate and shocking event that happened to his phone number (if anyone asks i plead the fifth...i know nothing, saw nothing...i was enveloped in a sea of red and have no idea what happened). Anyhoo...i had been playing with my niece when i realized i had a missed call and his mother's name popped up. I still have relatively cool connections with the rest of his family, so i called back only to hear him pick up the phone

blown...

you know those moments when you're stuck...like you don't want to be a jerk, but you have literally nothing nice to say. thats where i was. listening to his moaning and crying about how horrible everything is and how he's soooo sorry and he wants things to be the way they were before...

i asked him if he came to this realization before or after he tried to get in Alecia's pants...

::silence::

yeah exactly.

so he kept on for about an hour while i sat in silence...

then eli called and two days ago jemar called...i feel like all of the jerks are coming out of the wood work right now.

i've heard from everyone i don't want to hear from...but silence from who i do want to



typical...



i think i think of you know because its less intimidating because you're far away...no thats not true. maybe because you've changed so much that i can pretend to put you in a category
or may because underneath you new lays of gloss i know who you are
and you're just like me...or maybe nothing like me any longer

but when i look at you i see it

and if you'd only ever asked for it i would have given you my heart
but you only knew how to give
and so did i...

what an interesting duo we always made...

is the plural os status stati?

In honor of National Poetry Month I think I'm going to make all of my status' a poem...this will probably mean i won't update my status as much as i used to...but it will keep me reading.

today I choose:

Nikki Giovanni
Ever been kidnapped
by a poet
if i were a poet
i'd kidnap you
put you in my phrases and meter

You to jones beach
or maybe coney island
or maybe just to my house
lyric you in lilacs
dash you in the rain
blend into the beach
to complement my see

Play the lyre for you
ode you with my love song
anything to win you
wrap you in the red Black green
show you off to mama y
eah if i were a poet i'd kid
nap you

are you a poet too?

did you know April is National Poetry Month?

I thought I'd share my useless face with the rest of the world...but actually its rather intriguing. Its been ever since 1996. just think of all of the April's I missed out on. I could have been writing sonnets in masse. or rhyming for the sake of rhyming...or just written poetry for the sake of writing poetry ina month that everyone else was doing it too...

well i guess people are always writing poetry...and since i catch myself turning my prose into stanzas more often than note, i guess every month is poetry month for me.


I found my journal the other day. I tend to lose it whenever i go through some sort of turmoil in my life...anyway. i found her...tucked away on a bookcase in my room. I spent the last couple of nights rereading my past...


thats the great thing about journals, its like a map...to show you how you ended up where you are now.


the unfortunate aprt is i keep making the same mistakes

and ending up in the same places...


how unfortunate....

on to happier moments.

yesterday was easter

i'd say we all to AniBunni to church, but somehow i didn't make it. the 10 alarms in my room didn't wake me oddly enough. I

I'm not bitter :-/

Aaron's mom called. Saying all the right things that caused all the wrong results, and i ended up crying on my kitchen floor talking to her. she told me that she never heard from me and asked "why? did she break up with me too?" lol. I thought she hated meafter it all.

i think thats what kept me with Aaron the longest. not the past history...not all the time i invested...but his family. god i loved his family. i wanted christmas eves with them, and sunday morning with them, and friday nights in the backyard discussing politics over steak and potatoes with them. I can't even say aaorn was a part of those memories...most often than not he was in his room playing video games while i just sat and loved his family.

she told me no matter what i'm still part of her family and i'm always welcome. she said she didn't know what happened between us, (i'm not sure if i believe all of that), and that she doesn't want to know, (I totally believe that) and she expects to hear from me more often...


it made me cry....to think i held on for so long......when i never had to.....

haven't really heard from anyone. Other than Mango. oh wait i never mention dinner with Shalanda on Friday

So Shalanda and I went to eat Friday night since we had a lot of water under the bridge...that we needed to well...wash with? (improper use...)

anyway. it was a nice up-to-date meeting...including a little argument on her going off on me 5 months ago (which she denies) but it was good seeing her. She's getting married in May...thats how we started talking again...my rude way of asking if i should mail her present...she later told me if i did she would have sent it back (typical...) but i'll just bring it to the wedding.

she told me all of the drama with her fiance's family. i don't miss that. the drama of relationships.

or the drama of college

life is quieter now without either...awkardly silent without either



anyway...this blog is rambling on today...i blame the lack of sleep and not the millions of thoughts swimming in my mind...we'll see if i'm in the mood to let some slip out later


but back to my first comment. happy poetry month

i just wanted you to know

you know its a slow day in the office if i upload twice...but seeing that I probably won't blog over the weekend , lets just say i'm making up for it now,

sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me
if they ever loved me
or simply lvoed the perfect person that i created for them.

i think i read the art of seduction at too young an age...because when I meet someone i subconsiously study them
what their aspirations are,
their dreams...............................their goals.................................their fears and
i watch myself perform the incredible feat of becoming
.....................exactly
....................................................................what
..........................they've always wanted

How could they not be impressed by the creation of their ideal woman
in a 5 foot package
of exaggerated curves
and ainimated joy just at the thought of seeing you
......................like a puppy after a long day at work
....or a kitten - ..................depending on your mood

i was good when you wanted good
bad when you wanted bad
.....................................................wicked on occasion

Until I'd wake up and realize that i was nowhere where i wanted to be
and......................................................................................................................left

i knew aunts and uncles by name
best friends by birthdays, their girlfriend by address
and every other girl you called at night...................................by number

and never said a word
until it suited me
and by then
you were too late to ever win
the argument

i would mold myself into the very form you desired, without realizing that i was
c..h.....a..........n.............g.....................i...............................n.....................................g
but it's always easier to put on an act
than admit to the insecurities i've always felt
of being just a little too BIG
and just a little too small
just a little too happy
and just a little not happy............at all

But always exactly what you wanted me to be

but i don't want to be that for you



i want the next one to see the flaws

Like...

that i don't like wearing heels...........................................unless its night
and i'm most comfortable in sweats till noon
and i think thigh highs and garters are sexy
................and men in ties turn me on..................................a little

i love to cook when i'm stressed
i listen to slow jams in the shower...........................not in aslutty way, but because i genuinely like them
and my favorite position is sleeping right inthe croock of your shoulder at night

i want you to tell me i'm sexy
when i dress up - or don't dress up
but not in a vulgar way
........................in a poetic way that gives me chills and butterflies
...........................and actually makes me feel beautiful and not like a porn star you're paying for the night
and sometimes i want to feel like that pornstar
................but not always

i want to sit and discuss things with you
and argue and laugh
and watch your face change as the topics change
and grow old
and more distinguished
and more in love with me

and i want to know your flaws
like you hate asparagus...............................but love broccoli
and i hate feet.................but love when you massage them
and that we both skip to the end of book
.......................................to see the conclusion
and we like the rain
and we like getting wet
......................but preferably not at the same time
and i secretly think you're smarter than me, but i'd never tell you

and i want you to know that i've always through my sister the prettier one
...........................and my brother the smarter one
and that my father loved me best
.......................until he left
..................................................................................and i still have a complex about it
but that i won't let it come between us like before

i want you to know i think you're beautiful
...............................and that i've always thought you were sexy
but i never said anything, because i'm actually a little shy
and i never know how to say it..........................................................and still sound genuine
but i think about it all the time
even before you knew i was thinking it
and not just your smile
or your eyes
but for the way you think
and the way you speak
.....................and the accent you sometimes try to hide
and your ears that are a little too big......and your lips that are a little too full
and the fact that you make me feel just a little insecure
in a sexy way

and i'd still think you were
................even if you had warts
................and little feet
................and a humpback
......................................................................................ok maybe i'm pushing it a little
but i'd still be attracted to your heart
.............and your mind
........................and your words
............................................and the way you've always made me feel
even when youre mean....................................or i'm mean
and moody...............................................................or i'm moody
..................or we're both dating the wrong people
but we still secretly know.....the perfect flaws we have within each other


but i've never told anyone that.........but i want you to know