i just wanted you to know

you know its a slow day in the office if i upload twice...but seeing that I probably won't blog over the weekend , lets just say i'm making up for it now,

sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me
if they ever loved me
or simply lvoed the perfect person that i created for them.

i think i read the art of seduction at too young an age...because when I meet someone i subconsiously study them
what their aspirations are,
their dreams...............................their goals.................................their fears and
i watch myself perform the incredible feat of becoming
.....................exactly
....................................................................what
..........................they've always wanted

How could they not be impressed by the creation of their ideal woman
in a 5 foot package
of exaggerated curves
and ainimated joy just at the thought of seeing you
......................like a puppy after a long day at work
....or a kitten - ..................depending on your mood

i was good when you wanted good
bad when you wanted bad
.....................................................wicked on occasion

Until I'd wake up and realize that i was nowhere where i wanted to be
and......................................................................................................................left

i knew aunts and uncles by name
best friends by birthdays, their girlfriend by address
and every other girl you called at night...................................by number

and never said a word
until it suited me
and by then
you were too late to ever win
the argument

i would mold myself into the very form you desired, without realizing that i was
c..h.....a..........n.............g.....................i...............................n.....................................g
but it's always easier to put on an act
than admit to the insecurities i've always felt
of being just a little too BIG
and just a little too small
just a little too happy
and just a little not happy............at all

But always exactly what you wanted me to be

but i don't want to be that for you



i want the next one to see the flaws

Like...

that i don't like wearing heels...........................................unless its night
and i'm most comfortable in sweats till noon
and i think thigh highs and garters are sexy
................and men in ties turn me on..................................a little

i love to cook when i'm stressed
i listen to slow jams in the shower...........................not in aslutty way, but because i genuinely like them
and my favorite position is sleeping right inthe croock of your shoulder at night

i want you to tell me i'm sexy
when i dress up - or don't dress up
but not in a vulgar way
........................in a poetic way that gives me chills and butterflies
...........................and actually makes me feel beautiful and not like a porn star you're paying for the night
and sometimes i want to feel like that pornstar
................but not always

i want to sit and discuss things with you
and argue and laugh
and watch your face change as the topics change
and grow old
and more distinguished
and more in love with me

and i want to know your flaws
like you hate asparagus...............................but love broccoli
and i hate feet.................but love when you massage them
and that we both skip to the end of book
.......................................to see the conclusion
and we like the rain
and we like getting wet
......................but preferably not at the same time
and i secretly think you're smarter than me, but i'd never tell you

and i want you to know that i've always through my sister the prettier one
...........................and my brother the smarter one
and that my father loved me best
.......................until he left
..................................................................................and i still have a complex about it
but that i won't let it come between us like before

i want you to know i think you're beautiful
...............................and that i've always thought you were sexy
but i never said anything, because i'm actually a little shy
and i never know how to say it..........................................................and still sound genuine
but i think about it all the time
even before you knew i was thinking it
and not just your smile
or your eyes
but for the way you think
and the way you speak
.....................and the accent you sometimes try to hide
and your ears that are a little too big......and your lips that are a little too full
and the fact that you make me feel just a little insecure
in a sexy way

and i'd still think you were
................even if you had warts
................and little feet
................and a humpback
......................................................................................ok maybe i'm pushing it a little
but i'd still be attracted to your heart
.............and your mind
........................and your words
............................................and the way you've always made me feel
even when youre mean....................................or i'm mean
and moody...............................................................or i'm moody
..................or we're both dating the wrong people
but we still secretly know.....the perfect flaws we have within each other


but i've never told anyone that.........but i want you to know

chapter 5.2?

so my computer at work has a mind of its own. Midtyping a page will close, or the mouse will move itself across a page or it'll simply
.........................freeze..............................
for no apparent reason for a couple of minutes before starting again like nothing happened. It's kind of starting to freak me out. Like it knows that i'm doing something i shouldn't be doing.

it wouldn't turn off on monday. like not at all. everytime i'd click the button it was just reopen like that was the command i was asking for.

i think i should name him. something mercurial and slightly rude with a tendency to being useful and a habit of being annoying



i can't even think of an appropriate name yet...but just give me some time.


I've started a new diet. I'm always hungry...but i'm seeing results which is nice. My friend's wedding is in May and I'll be seeing people i haven't seen since school ended and I'd love to look better than i had when i was miserable my last couple months of school.

oh and he'll be there.

I haven't really spoken to him. Well we were texting pretty regularly, but seeing that I text almost everyone in my phone book during office hours thats nothing abnormal. I guess I could blame it on the 3 hour time difference or the simple fact that he's not as interested in me as he was 3 years ago...or that he thinks that Im over after him due to his new look...or that i stole him away from teh crush he had on my old coworker...or he's only after me for my body and no longer my mind

but all of those are so crushing...I think i never let anything happen because i was terrified. I've never really talked to anyone that I thought

if things end with this person...everything will change. How I view myself, how iview the world. my own intelligence is at stake here...

i found an old poem i wrote him years ago...when i told him that to a certain extent

words are all i have
and all i'll keep

and i've kept yours

sometimes i want to kick myself for the bad decisions i make when it comes to men.

but i just have to keep in mind that if anything had happened everything would be different.
everything
and i can't be mad as to where i've ended up...or anyone one else for that matter. its just a part of growing up i guess.

i wonder if now...years later...if we can still end up on the same page we were on years ago.

like could we take these characters and replant them in chapter 5 and see what happens? probably not...but this chapter aught to be interesting...

i'm interested in seeing where this chapter goes

talking to you always makes me feel inspired

If I could go back in time

I would dance
and smile
and apply there and not work there
and say no
No.........no.........no..........no...........and...........definitely no
and turn right when I’d turned left
and not said hello to her just to be polite
and not smiled at him just to be polite
and actually told you what I was thinking
_____________f@ck being polite

I would have gone to the party
I would have work that skirt mom said looked trashy
and the heels I that I KNEW looked trashy
and I would have taken them off once my feet started hurting.
and kicked them in the corner and_____________________kept on dancing

I would have given you my number
I wouldn’t have given it to you…but once you got it I would have changed it
or answered nonchalantly
“no darling…you must have the wrong number”
or “no, really lets just be friends”
or “nigga where’d you get this number at?”

I would have written poems
and recited them
and not been afraid of the ppl looking at me, or what they were thinking
I would have taken the stage
auditioned for that play
sang in the choir
sang in the shower
sang out loud walking back from work and smiled when ppl looked at me crazy

I would have taken walks at night
and looked at the stars
and made wishes about everything from the grade on my next text to the gender of my first born to the crush I had on the boy who sat behind me in math class

I would have dreamed
and written them down
and shared them
and hoped that the good ones came true and the bad ones were just weird plots from movies I must have watched too late at night or that book I read right before I fell asleep.

I would have been confident
and self sufficient
and proud
and looked in the mirror and saw that I was beautiful and not the wild hair, and annoying freckle or the pig nose or the acne that continues to plague me to this day

I wouldn’t have needed you
or you________or you_____or you_____maybe you on cold nights when I was afraid to walk by myself
I would have cried during that movie,
I would have finished that book
I would have worn sweats instead
and I wouldn’t have forgotten my jacket

But I would never regret
meeting you

more words

He asked me what turned me on
I said words

Romantic words..................................and smutty words

Longing and lingering words

Exotic words

Devouring words

Lipstick leaving delicious words

And so he turned to me and used them


He painted pictures with words.
toppled towers and rebuilt universes with his words
...sang lyrical harmonies with words
.......created color melodies
............harmonized a duet all alone just with words
...................conceived an ocean of movements
..............................that pounded and rolled
..............................................and crashed on to the shores
.......................................................of
......................................................................my
.....................................................................................mind

And left me with nothing to say but
..............................more
give me more

words.

words to live by
words to read by . . . words to hold me close until you’re here
To turn words into actions
And make those actions louder than

................those.............................................words

you gave me

Dear Napolean

I always thought Deoboed was a word and not just a cultural expression

until I said it to an old coworker when I was at school and she had no idea what I was talking about...I don't know if i should feel ashamed that I used the phrase or that she had never seen the Friday series...maybe she just needs to get out more.

I've been talking to an old friend a lot recently. been thinking about him a lot too. But I'm not sure if I'm falling for who he is now or i never let go of who he used to be.

He used to write me poems. Beautiful lyrics that danced across my heart, but i was too afraid to do anything about it.

he doesn't write them anymore

but i catch myself going through old email accounts and rereading what he thought of me or what he thought about...and i miss what i could have had if i wasn't so afraid of letting in and letting go.

i can't ask him to be someone he's not, just as I can't be who i let go of as well...we'll see what happens from this point. He's thousands of miles away and when he comes to visit i wonder if i'll be nervous.

the butterflies in the stomach nervous...or i'm your biggest fan nervous...or when you look at me do you see who i used to be nervous...or don't judge me on my mistake...but love me for who i can be for you...with you...all about you if you let me kind of nervous.

i'd hate for him to be disappointed

i'd hate to be too late.

i'd hate if this turned out like all the others turned out...because in my mind he's been on that pedestal for years...i just never let him know until now.

Let me be your Josephine.
and i will call you Bonaparte.
we will rule the world, but just own a part

and share it only with each other

just thinking out loud

I loved a man once.
a thousand years ago i loved him.

He loved me too

a hundred years too late.
I was gone
light years away by then,
I don’t feel bad now and again

thinking of him

Or how I was able to let go

introducing the new girl in town

i got a new job recently.

i real job

a real grown up job...

and i'm kind of sad to realize that i'm not really a kid anymore...


i love my job, don't get me wrong...how could i not like a job that enables me to update my blog during work hours and leave 2 hours before anyone else.

i really have nothing to complain about



or maybe i can complain of the down time that allows me to think about everything that I have lost on the way of finding myself here. Its no one's fault, but mother nature and the endless ticking of time that has forced my eyes to open and my heart to grow and my feet to walk away on their own accord until one day i woke up miles away from where i started.


on quiet mornings like today I miss where i used to be.

the security of naivety that allowed me to close my eyes and only see what i wanted to see

i see it all now

and i can't be mad that you turned out to be exactly who you told me you were...rather than who i had tried to make you



that was my own fault


but it doesn't make it hurt any less.




lets change subjects. I'm enjoying my life at the moment. the endless parties and social gatherings that make up a 20-something in/or around DC. Its amazing to walk into a club an the center of a universe for a night. I can shed my layers of insecurities that i'm usually so wrapped in become HoLlYwOoD as I've been affectionately named by the group of men who have tried unsuccessfully to make me there's.

I don't want to be anyones right now.

Mango and I have made a name for ourselves by doing nothing but be who we are...and after being in relationships where we have been shaped into everything but that its nice to be appreciated for not even trying to be original....we simply are...


i think i'll give the clubs a break for a little bit.

Half the fun of being the ingenues is the mystery behind it...can't let them think they have you before you're ready...


lets see how long this lasts