listen

she told me we went to fast. your mother. that i let you in too quickly. and that she didn’t mean to hurt me by saying it

but it hurt anyway

it always hurts at the end


she told me i told you so. my mother. that if you let a man back in after he messed up he’ll think you’re weak and walk all over you.

and i knew she knew

because she had.

and i didn’t listen the first time she told me.

you told me i would never change. and i found it ironic. that i was being reprimanded after everything went wrong.

that i hadn’t learned my lesson

but you had


and you wished we could still be friends


and i guess i was right. all along.


that you wanted your last chance

to get even

with how i hurt you before


when i left

to protect myself


from you



obviously i don’t listen very well

not even to myself.

set me free

a letter

to my little sister

i wish you sun shine
and skinned knees and
gentle kisses
and the memories that i cherish from my child hood
imprisoned in family dinners and vacations and bonding
that i always tried to escape
but have locked in crystal bottled in my heart
to share with my children one day

and to share with you

because you deserve more than what you were given

i wish you we could share more
than genese
and that the womb that carried me
and nurtured me
could have known you
and make the connection that we share more than distant memories
of an elicit night that created
the difference that has made you more of a stranger
than a sibling

and i’m sorry that you’ll always know that.

i wish we had more in common…than chromosomes
and that the 20 years that separate us
were memories
and that years from now you could think of your birthday
and draw me in there
where i wasn’t invited to be

i hope you know that we love you

that we care

the siblings you’ll never know

and that regardless of time
and distance
and
memories

that we’ll always be there

and one day

when the time comes

you’ll know

that we wish you happiness

and sunshine through storms
and fires on cold days
and rainbows to make you smile

and hugs…

ashes to ashes...or gas for the matter

so my car kicked the big one last night. it finally succeeded and passing on from this world to the last...and like a child refusing to let go of a parent...or a parent refusing to let go of their child...i begged and pleaded for it to just go a little further. just try a little harder...and i'd take over from there

she didn't budge


Methuselah was a good and hardworking car. She did her job above and beyond what I had expected her to do. I pushed her too hard and I know I did...but if I could go back I probably would have done anything differently.

maybe more frequent oil changes. maybe more check ups


may an entire tune up with money permitted it...maybe not...i tended to be rather stingy with my paltry income while in school


i still am.


she got me all the way to the corner of my neighborhood this time befor stalling out. just to the corner of the highway and i'm thankful she stopped there and not on the road. She just let go...a hiccup...a cough..and silence. i cried. as always when things don't turn out the way i want them to...


and now i'm here and she's there and there's nothing i can do to get her running again...and even if there was something i could do...i don't think i'd even trust myself to put everythign that she deserves back into her.


so i'll let her go...

and remember all the good times we had



the summer drives to riverdale...the fall runs to westminster...the winter in solitary confinement because her alarm wouldn't stop going off and i couldn't afford to get someone to fix it...


may she rest in peace as she was never able to in life.



RIP

blow me away

I haven't really been updating the way that I used to. i think its just one of those things...like i only right poetry when i'm sad...or confused...and i only blog when i'm lonely.

i guess i'm not so lonely right now. well maybe i am since i'm writing....i'm in between places right now.

i've started sending out applications again. for school. for anything. i've been looking at apartments...but i doubt i'll move anywhere. i just settle where i am and get comfortable and never leave.

i'm comfortable in the job i'm in. i wish it were more...and it has potential of being more...but i literally have nothing to complain about. id be more comfortable with a car and since Methuselah decided to kick the bucket last week i'm kind of SOL.

i'm trying to learn who this new aaron is. he's changed. he's different. in a good way i think...more independant than i remember. less needy...which is what i wanted...but now its strange...like watching a child leave his mother and go to school for the first time. that knowing that you're not needed anymore

his need was suffocating me

and now i long for the struggle


but at night when he holds me...reaching out to clasp me. the pull. the strength...i see it there. those shoulders. those arms. the need beneath it all.


we both know we can survive apart. we've done it. we were fine. but maybe we needed that time apart...that survival to know that we prefer it together...



but i still wait for him. his calls. his arrival. him...and when he's not here i miss it. the smell of him. the strength of him. his face...i tell him that in emails

i miss your face

and it seems so little and inconsequential...and childish...but i wonder if he understands it at all. that moment that has been crystallized into my memory. looking at him. just looking at him for the first time in months...and...for once i'm at a lose for words

there he was. the man i always remembered. as if i had trapped time in a bottle and simple stepped back in to where i had stood before. and i traced the bridge nose with my finger. and ran my fingers through his hair...and everything that i knew and didn't know and wished to know and never wanted to know and...everything was there


and i realized how much i'd missed it

and him


just by looking at him....




ok away from my melodramatic memories...i'm back to applying for school. any and every program in the area that i could be accepted into. I just need to get somewhere and do something and move on with me life. i'm watching it pass me by and its depressing.


i don't have a plan. i know that now. i'm ok with that now.

i wanted something etched in stone.

day one.


year one.


entry: I know what I want to do...

but i don't...and i'm fine with that. but i do want to be in school. i don't care what school. i don't care what program...but maybe once i'm there i will. maybe once i'm there things will start to fall into place the way that they used to...or everything will fall apart the way that it used to...and i'll figure out what is going on in the end

well we'll see where we go from here...we'll see where the wind takes me from here...


i'll just let it up and blow me away

postsecret.com

i remember the first time i saw the post secret book. it was at my college bookstore. we used to have a shelf where the books on the top seller list would be for sale. I opened it because the cover was so nondescript. like a paperbag, or a package raped with a rope and a stamp in the corner. it was in between classes and my boyfriend at the time was eithe rin class or asleep or we were fighting and i flipped to a random page and was stuck there reading

i went to the library where i worked later and found another book. i spent hours reading it

it wasn't until recently that i found the website. and their facebook. and their twitter

its relieving to read other peoples secrets and know that you're not alone. to know that someone else has something so big hidden within them...and they finally let it out knowing everyone will no...

...and at the same time...no one will....

their secrets give me hope....

more....MoRe....MORE

i hate men who don't know how to love their children.

and it's unfortunate because i'm growing up in an era where its rare for a man to have grown up with his father. its rare to reach the age of 20 and still have both parents married and living together and raising their children as a unit. its rare to reach the age of 15 and still have that

12

9

7

its rare to give birth and have a husband.

i don't want to fall into these categories in my future and i fear that i will settle for less than i deserve in a husband to have more than my children could wish for in a father. i want a husband who will love his children more than his life. who would sacrifice everything for them. to give up everything. jump through hoops. through fire. through jobs they hate...so their kids can have new shoes on the first day of school and can take ballet lessons they won't remember. and have that toy on christmas everyone else is getting. who will argue to allow their sons to grow their hair out because they want to and not to let their daughters date until their 30 and who will tell them they have to save up to pay for their car, but buy them one anyway because they remember what it was like to be young and to want more

i want more for my children than i had...and i had a good childhood. in the rose tinted views of my youth my family was perfect. my mother cooked dinners. my father gave bike lessons. my siblings argued and loved and we have family portraits every three years of toothy, gleeful lies that everyone wanted to believe and we did until we were old enough to see things for what they really were.

i want more for my niece than i had. i want more than her brother has. and i want more than her father offers.

i think i live in a fantasy world where i can make the future everything i want it to be...and i fear that when it finally happens i will be disappointed...i don't want to live in disappointment for my children. i'm accustomed to it for myself.

i just want more

so much more

and i don't know what to do about it.