stale mate

i love you. i will always love you. but there are some things that i’ve learned from the time we were apart. that you can’t change someone…you can only influence them either for the better or from the worst. you can’t make someone love you. and loving them more, won’t change anything.

and forgiveness is something that you must give willingly.

you couldn’t make me forgive you…i needed time on my own to. to stop and start over and look at things from both sides and figure out what my heart was telling me. any maybe you were never given that time. it took me months to go from sadness to anger to sadness to acceptance and now i’m here standing before you whole…and you haven’t gotten here yet.


you’re still angry.

and i can’t change that because i can’t fix what is still hurt inside of you…because i can’t go back and change something that has already happened.


i learned that there are some things that people can’t handle. each one of us has our breaking point and each one of us has out insecurity. i know mine. i’ve known mine for years…and i think i know yours

they’re the same.

being left

being alone


not being able to do anything about it. that feeling of emptiness. of abandonment. i felt it each time you reached out to someone else rather than to me…and when i couldn’t take it anymore i went to find a way to make myself whole…a way that i wouldn’t hurt every time you looked at someone else or didn’t call me or chose to not be with me…

a way that i would never feel empty again…


but even with that said and done that doesn’t mean that i’m ok with them. with them women that you still need to show yourself you’ll never be alone.

i’ve learned to love you and i’m learning to trust you as who you are now…not who you were then…but these…these are all memories of the past that are still here haunting me…

i know myself. i know my breaking point and i know what i can’t do again


and i can’t do that. i can’t sit around waiting for the same things to happen….and i feel like i’m watching it play out again.

i can’t be your friend. I don’t know how to change loving you…and i can’t live every day waiting for you to realize that you love them more. or you love me less. or you hate me more than you’ll ever be able to love me…


and maybe you’re right…i can’t just go with the flow. because we’ve always been two people stuck in definites that i won’t settle for maybes with you.

but i know i won’t put up with the maybe of them.






so i’ve drawn my line in the sand


and i can’t cross it knowing that i’ll burn in the end.



and i know you won’t cross it scared you might hurt all over again….




so we’re at a stale mate.

all over again

i'm so tired of these heartbroken posts. it seems like i only write when i have something to cry over...but i don't want to let it out. well i def. let it out this morning

embarrassingly enough in the middle of my office. on the phone with your mother

and she told me "i told you so"

like that would help.


i don't know where it all started. the ending. wherever we are. because i decided to go out? no it had to be before that. i felt it different when you picked me up on wednesday. something was different in the air around you...but it kept shifting. and when you called on thursday i knew you'd be mad, but i didn't want to fall into the old pattern of being afraid to go out because you'd be mad...when you weren't afraid of my reaction. so i told you. i had to wait for you to call and i admit that i did think twice before answering...thinking it would just make things easier to lie and say that i didn't

and you said "well it's not like we're together...i want my independence." and i felt the little hope i had for us begin to shrivel at that moment.

and then you said you had plans for friday that you'd had since tuesday...but you didn't tell me

"because if plans fell through i was going to hang out with you...but if i told you, you'd make plans with your girls and if my plans fell through and i told you you wouldn't be able to chill"

and i told you that was selfish. and i guessed i would go out because i didn't want to stay in...and you huffed and puffed. and i repeated those words you said to hurt me

"its not like we're together...i want my Independence" and you tried to hang up on me...saying that you didn't know where things were going...and i said it wasn't fair that you could say them to me, but i couldn't say anything back.

and friday you went out. and you said you didn't know where. you were just going to go with the flow. and i remember other times you went with the flow and ended up at the club after you said you wouldn't go...but you said it was by accident.

i told you i only went out because i knew there was no way i would be able to see you. you decided to go out to get back at me. you told me if i went out it was all revenge.

you didn't understand

and on saturday it was like time had rewound. you said you'd be there at 1 and i waited. i waited for hours for you to come and you didn't show until 3 and you were different. even worse than before. and you were mad at me for being mad at you and we'd talked about this before. this wasn't new.

and the whole day was like that. at that night we talked finally. about how i felt that you were just punishing me for hurting you. for everything i did and didn't do when i wasn't with you. how i had a life that you didn't. not realizing what i gave up again for you. and how again you didn't give up anything for me.

and you told me how you were just getting over me when i showed up. and you told me i only showed up because you were with someone else. and i cried and only then did you break and be you...and we went upstairs and you went in the shower and there was your phone. and i knew i shouldn't have


i knew i had no right


but i couldn't read your mind. i wanted to know



and i wish it hadn't been there



the same things that were always there. the same girls that were always there. the same hurt that was always there. and your sister drove me home. and you called me and you were mad. and i knew you'd be mad. that i'd never change. that i did it again. that i was over reacting. that i should have stayed and confronted you and listened to reason...and that i did it again


and maybe i should have stayed. maybe i should have stood up to you and told you how i felt. but neither of us was right in that situation. i shouldn't have looked and you shouldn't have acted and now we're stuck in this situation again


and you called me the next morning and left a voicemail saying it was over. you couldn't be with someone like me.

that we could be friends

how many times am i going to here that line?

and i called you back. how dare you leave that message. and you said it again. and i said "ok"

what else was there to say?


the ball was in your court again and you said you didn't want to play.


so i told your sister goodbye. and i packed up my heart again

"take my heart lord,
take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above"

as i always do when you hurt me and hope that a little more will be locked away this time.

and you called again, but my phone was dead. the jumping power outages that squatted over my neighborhood for hours and you told me i blocked your number. you told me that you missed me...and that it wasn't that you never wanted to talk to me again...you wanted to be my friend. not my enemy.

i listened to it 5 times in side meghan's car waiting for my phone to charge to at least 20%.

"i don't know hot to reach you. i hope i can talk to you later today. or tomorrow...i dunno. eh...i i hope you have a good day"
stop
rewind
"uh hey...i wanted to talk to you..."

over and over till i could repeat the words in unis ion with you

and even then i couldn't understand what you were saying


i emailed you. i emailed you 3 times. like the trinity. my last 3 times

1. you're ripping my heart out. i love you. why are you doing this

2. i want the last word like you always get. you'll never change. i did nothing wrong.

3. i sent this afternoon- i wish you all the best.

goodbye.

and i said goodbye to your mother. even though she told me i was wrong. i should have waiting. i moved too fast. i let you in too soon and that you'll never learn.

and yesterday i said goodbye to your sister.

and i restored your old facebook. and left your email alone.

and blocked me so you have the choice to do whatever it is that you want.

and i packed up my heart


and cried at my desk



and let go


again



or began to. its going to be hard...just like before

but maybe not for you. you were already half let go of me. i had let go before. a year ago before and i was almost past it all. when we came back and i fell back in 100% and you ripped my heart out of my chest.


you just wiped off the debris you never felt and walked away

"i missed you today"

well i hope you get used to the feeling.


you're going to miss a lot of things.

i pray i don't miss a thing

p.s. your mother asked you if you wanted to be with me...and if not to let me go. because it wasn't fair to do this back and forth thing wasn't fair. then she threated to kick you out. and then said i went to fast and the i told you so i never wanted to hear.

i reminded her of ann and carlos. that they should have worked together to make things work and it won't work with just one person putting in all of the effort.

i could hear her shake her head. i could hear her pity.

and i cried. i cried hard knowing that i was the foot again...and i should have known better again. and i fell for it again...

gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

listen

she told me we went to fast. your mother. that i let you in too quickly. and that she didn’t mean to hurt me by saying it

but it hurt anyway

it always hurts at the end


she told me i told you so. my mother. that if you let a man back in after he messed up he’ll think you’re weak and walk all over you.

and i knew she knew

because she had.

and i didn’t listen the first time she told me.

you told me i would never change. and i found it ironic. that i was being reprimanded after everything went wrong.

that i hadn’t learned my lesson

but you had


and you wished we could still be friends


and i guess i was right. all along.


that you wanted your last chance

to get even

with how i hurt you before


when i left

to protect myself


from you



obviously i don’t listen very well

not even to myself.

set me free

a letter

to my little sister

i wish you sun shine
and skinned knees and
gentle kisses
and the memories that i cherish from my child hood
imprisoned in family dinners and vacations and bonding
that i always tried to escape
but have locked in crystal bottled in my heart
to share with my children one day

and to share with you

because you deserve more than what you were given

i wish you we could share more
than genese
and that the womb that carried me
and nurtured me
could have known you
and make the connection that we share more than distant memories
of an elicit night that created
the difference that has made you more of a stranger
than a sibling

and i’m sorry that you’ll always know that.

i wish we had more in common…than chromosomes
and that the 20 years that separate us
were memories
and that years from now you could think of your birthday
and draw me in there
where i wasn’t invited to be

i hope you know that we love you

that we care

the siblings you’ll never know

and that regardless of time
and distance
and
memories

that we’ll always be there

and one day

when the time comes

you’ll know

that we wish you happiness

and sunshine through storms
and fires on cold days
and rainbows to make you smile

and hugs…

ashes to ashes...or gas for the matter

so my car kicked the big one last night. it finally succeeded and passing on from this world to the last...and like a child refusing to let go of a parent...or a parent refusing to let go of their child...i begged and pleaded for it to just go a little further. just try a little harder...and i'd take over from there

she didn't budge


Methuselah was a good and hardworking car. She did her job above and beyond what I had expected her to do. I pushed her too hard and I know I did...but if I could go back I probably would have done anything differently.

maybe more frequent oil changes. maybe more check ups


may an entire tune up with money permitted it...maybe not...i tended to be rather stingy with my paltry income while in school


i still am.


she got me all the way to the corner of my neighborhood this time befor stalling out. just to the corner of the highway and i'm thankful she stopped there and not on the road. She just let go...a hiccup...a cough..and silence. i cried. as always when things don't turn out the way i want them to...


and now i'm here and she's there and there's nothing i can do to get her running again...and even if there was something i could do...i don't think i'd even trust myself to put everythign that she deserves back into her.


so i'll let her go...

and remember all the good times we had



the summer drives to riverdale...the fall runs to westminster...the winter in solitary confinement because her alarm wouldn't stop going off and i couldn't afford to get someone to fix it...


may she rest in peace as she was never able to in life.



RIP

blow me away

I haven't really been updating the way that I used to. i think its just one of those things...like i only right poetry when i'm sad...or confused...and i only blog when i'm lonely.

i guess i'm not so lonely right now. well maybe i am since i'm writing....i'm in between places right now.

i've started sending out applications again. for school. for anything. i've been looking at apartments...but i doubt i'll move anywhere. i just settle where i am and get comfortable and never leave.

i'm comfortable in the job i'm in. i wish it were more...and it has potential of being more...but i literally have nothing to complain about. id be more comfortable with a car and since Methuselah decided to kick the bucket last week i'm kind of SOL.

i'm trying to learn who this new aaron is. he's changed. he's different. in a good way i think...more independant than i remember. less needy...which is what i wanted...but now its strange...like watching a child leave his mother and go to school for the first time. that knowing that you're not needed anymore

his need was suffocating me

and now i long for the struggle


but at night when he holds me...reaching out to clasp me. the pull. the strength...i see it there. those shoulders. those arms. the need beneath it all.


we both know we can survive apart. we've done it. we were fine. but maybe we needed that time apart...that survival to know that we prefer it together...



but i still wait for him. his calls. his arrival. him...and when he's not here i miss it. the smell of him. the strength of him. his face...i tell him that in emails

i miss your face

and it seems so little and inconsequential...and childish...but i wonder if he understands it at all. that moment that has been crystallized into my memory. looking at him. just looking at him for the first time in months...and...for once i'm at a lose for words

there he was. the man i always remembered. as if i had trapped time in a bottle and simple stepped back in to where i had stood before. and i traced the bridge nose with my finger. and ran my fingers through his hair...and everything that i knew and didn't know and wished to know and never wanted to know and...everything was there


and i realized how much i'd missed it

and him


just by looking at him....




ok away from my melodramatic memories...i'm back to applying for school. any and every program in the area that i could be accepted into. I just need to get somewhere and do something and move on with me life. i'm watching it pass me by and its depressing.


i don't have a plan. i know that now. i'm ok with that now.

i wanted something etched in stone.

day one.


year one.


entry: I know what I want to do...

but i don't...and i'm fine with that. but i do want to be in school. i don't care what school. i don't care what program...but maybe once i'm there i will. maybe once i'm there things will start to fall into place the way that they used to...or everything will fall apart the way that it used to...and i'll figure out what is going on in the end

well we'll see where we go from here...we'll see where the wind takes me from here...


i'll just let it up and blow me away

postsecret.com

i remember the first time i saw the post secret book. it was at my college bookstore. we used to have a shelf where the books on the top seller list would be for sale. I opened it because the cover was so nondescript. like a paperbag, or a package raped with a rope and a stamp in the corner. it was in between classes and my boyfriend at the time was eithe rin class or asleep or we were fighting and i flipped to a random page and was stuck there reading

i went to the library where i worked later and found another book. i spent hours reading it

it wasn't until recently that i found the website. and their facebook. and their twitter

its relieving to read other peoples secrets and know that you're not alone. to know that someone else has something so big hidden within them...and they finally let it out knowing everyone will no...

...and at the same time...no one will....

their secrets give me hope....

more....MoRe....MORE

i hate men who don't know how to love their children.

and it's unfortunate because i'm growing up in an era where its rare for a man to have grown up with his father. its rare to reach the age of 20 and still have both parents married and living together and raising their children as a unit. its rare to reach the age of 15 and still have that

12

9

7

its rare to give birth and have a husband.

i don't want to fall into these categories in my future and i fear that i will settle for less than i deserve in a husband to have more than my children could wish for in a father. i want a husband who will love his children more than his life. who would sacrifice everything for them. to give up everything. jump through hoops. through fire. through jobs they hate...so their kids can have new shoes on the first day of school and can take ballet lessons they won't remember. and have that toy on christmas everyone else is getting. who will argue to allow their sons to grow their hair out because they want to and not to let their daughters date until their 30 and who will tell them they have to save up to pay for their car, but buy them one anyway because they remember what it was like to be young and to want more

i want more for my children than i had...and i had a good childhood. in the rose tinted views of my youth my family was perfect. my mother cooked dinners. my father gave bike lessons. my siblings argued and loved and we have family portraits every three years of toothy, gleeful lies that everyone wanted to believe and we did until we were old enough to see things for what they really were.

i want more for my niece than i had. i want more than her brother has. and i want more than her father offers.

i think i live in a fantasy world where i can make the future everything i want it to be...and i fear that when it finally happens i will be disappointed...i don't want to live in disappointment for my children. i'm accustomed to it for myself.

i just want more

so much more

and i don't know what to do about it.