::cough cough::

I feel like I've been sick for 3 months.

just constantly.

like i feel better for 2 days and immediately fall back into a pit of despair.

i have the king of colds right now. A monster virus. I don't even know what to call it.

just

death.


and lucky for me i can't even take any medicine.



just chug orange juice and hope that I'll feel better.

I have a doctor's appointment on friday. Not my primary care. no that was monday. when i wasn't feeling sick. Now I have to go hacking and sneezing to my OB-GYN who will no doubt send me to get another Zpack. Just give me a 6 month supply. I'm going to need it.

i should have been inhaling airborne. i should have been snorting it. but no...i was hoping water and rest was enough. Nope. of course not.

ok, little bear, i need you to work with mommy here. help me out, homie. i feel like crap and i know you do too. so lets try to work together to stay healthy.

sheesh...this sucks

10 weeks 5 days

So update:



I'm currently setting up my new living situation. Not exactly my ideal...but I'm trying to be positive. now that plans have changed I'll be staying home until I have enough money to get a town house or something.



My skin is dry. this is new. if anyone knows me they know that my skin is usually oilier than the gulf last summer. but now...nothing. i have to Vaseline myself down before i leave the house. my hair is long. my scalp is dry...i could easily fall asleep at the drop of a hat...and i can't get enough mexican food.



i hate the smell of chicken...unless its shredded and smothered in sauce (cheese, dressing, tomato). the sight of a baked drum stick makes me gag. Bagels in cream cheese have become a staple in my diet.



I go to sleep around 10PM every night. I wake up at 5:30 and want a nap around noon.



classes start on thursday and life is going to get pretty interesting. lets see how I do staying away until 11PM twice a week and still getting up at 5:30. it was hard enough before i had a living being in my body trying to keep my ass in bed.



My program ends in September. Which will be an interesting feat...as I'm due in August. There is going to be an interesting month where i try to keep everything together ( I wonder if they'll let me supplement work for attending class...but knowing Kelly she'll be a bitch and say yes and then still fail me)

Not going to talk about the boy...we're still trying to figure things out. everything had just fallen into place before it all blew up again with this new situation. He's having a hard time with all of the added "pressure" and I could care less about his added stress...trying to deal with my own.

Hopefully I'll have happier news next time I post...

hopefully i'll have more to say.

a new journey ahead

I haven't posted in a while.

I couldn't seem to find the words...

that in itself is rare. I usually have words. I usually have tons of things to say. and there were things said. things discussed. things yelled and screamed and sobbed...but nothing that could be combined into coherent sentences that explained the confusing i was drowning in.

i'm still there...

not drowning

some how afloat in confusion...

with words...



i'm terrified. absolutely terrified.

this is no where where i thought i'd be. ever. and i'm here. trying to figure out what exactly comes next.

i'm trying to take everything one day at a time...but the entire time i know theres a finish line quickly approaching.

a destination...

a foreign land

a new journey to begin that i can't seem to wrap my head around

apprx. 212 days...


212 days and everything that i've ever known changes.


and i keep looking back at how this all began. and ended and began again...

and i wonder if thats what was meant to be. if must be. there's a plan for everything...but now? why now? how? what? where....

maybe i wasn't as prepared to post as i thought i was...



i'm just trying to take ever thing one step at a time

one day at a time

one breath

one thought


one...


just one...

and maybe a few steps from now i'll figure out where i'm going

2011

those moments

you know those moments that seem to crystallize in your memory?

Those days that you can look back on and know that something big happened.

something life altering.

a chapter ended


a chapter begun



those little things like turning left instead of right. or staying in when everyone went out...or emailing someone you hadn't heard from....


yesterday was one of those moments


12/7/10 i'll always remember that day


and 6/16/10


a moment that led to another.

a step that ended one. or began one...


or just...was....




i don't know if i'm ready for them all




but i guess it's a little too late to worry about that now

i need to start posting these right after i write them...

We were talking the other day. It probably was a week ago…maybe longer. I was calling him a brat. I tend to do that these days but it could simply be because I’m seeing parts of him that I never saw before. The every day. Saturday mornings. Arguments with his mother. Refusals to act…and I don’t know. It doesn’t line up with the person that I know and love.

I asked him why. “why didn’t you ever mow the lawn. Like you know if we live together you’ll be mowing it right”

He looked at me and shrugged agreed that he would. Then he said “they never let me . they always thought I’d mess up. When ppl don’t let you do something you stop asking them. I’m not going to beg you to let me help…” I heard the anger build in his voice. I watched the hurt in his eyes. The years he’s tried to be more. To do more. And been shot down and insulted for it.

So I let him. I let him have the power he wanted. I used to complain about how I was tired of being the adult in the relationship. So now I’m giving it to him.

The apartments called. We were approved and they wanted payment. I didn’t have the money. He wasn’t ready to pay it. I told him to call. He didn’t on the first day. Never got to it on the second. I told him I simply couldn’t handle it. I’ve been stressed…I’m overwhelmed by my job. By my classes. By my car…I can’t take on the additional responsibility.

So he called. He called me and told me what he was going to say. He called me after he said. I probably would have done it differently…but I’m proud of him for acting when he did. It meant a lot.

Its like seeing him grow before my eyes.

I want him to be everything he’s always wanted to be. I want him to be more. I want us to be happy.

I hope this is simply step one to a long journey.

in search

there's this belief that youngest children are constantly trying to prove themselves.

i didn't particularly think it was true...

until i started trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my life

and realizes

that there is absolutely nothing new

that some sibling hasn't done before...

now i finally understand what they mean.

i guess its the curse of the youngest - - - to forever live in their shadows.

the same article said that the youngest have little ambition- used to getting whatever they want for doing barely anything...youngest children tend to get along on charm alone.

i won't deny my charm.

its gotten my through enough classes that i know it works when i need it to

kind of rusty at the moment...but the polish is coming out...finals are around the corner

i had a bf once who told me i had no ambition. he asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up

i was 19. barely 19. and happy just to be happy. so thats what i said.

"i want to be happy. i want to be happy and satisfied"

he shook his head and asked again, "what do you want to be when you grow up? like what do you want to do?"

i thought about it. we had been driving through the night from school to the eastern shore and of the three hour drive over 4 years ago i remember the night sky and smell of salt water like it was yesterday. the breeze. the rush. the excitement...

and the question.

i wanted to come up with something that would wow him. something that no one had told him before. some huge dramatic reenactment for what i had decided would be my future...but all i could see were the stars and all i could smell was the breeze...and the only thing i could think to say were my dreams...and the truth...and what all little girls grow up saying.

"i want to be a mother. thats what i always wanted to be. i want to be a stay-at-home-mom and raise my kids and be happy..."

simple

straight forward

the moon-kissed-dreams of a child.

he told me i had no ambition and shook his head and never realized

that that was the moment

that i began to fall

out of love

with

him.

i told him that story again recently, (i left out the last part for polite reasons)...out of the blue like he always does he popped back into my life...he's dating a girl as far opposite from me as he could find. i think the only thing we have in common is height. and location. and a patience larger than expected to deal with the men we do...

she calls him chauvinistic. tells him that all he wants is to control her. her dreams are huge compared to the simple ones i once had. she wants the big city and the big job and the corner office...and she wants to fight every man who gets in the way.

4 years later - now his dreams seem small.

he wants a farm. in the country. a few acres. a few crops. kids and students...and quiet.

i wonder where their middle ground will land.

he proposes to me once a week.

i keep telling him i'm not that girl anymore.

we laugh. and joke...and pretend like we can remember what it was that brought us together...and forget what ultimately drove us apart.

and then i'm here. again. minus the breeze and the stars dulled my street lights and car fumes...and that question comes back.

and i still don't have an answer.

i want to be successful- but doing what?

i want to be happy- but why?

i want to be satisfied....- but how?

i want to be an old woman surrounded by the people i love and i want that moment right before my last breath and i want that thought to be

"i don't regret anything..."

i once wrote a poem that said

"i want the world/on a silver platter/and i want to fight for it"

but i'm growing tired of that fight...

i wonder if you'd be there

to fight for me...

because i think

very soon

i'm going to take a break from it...

and rest

and just be that naive little girl for a while

and just be

"happy"

and in search

of

"satisfied"