stuck

i dream about this guy sometimes....and i really shouldn't be surprised when its happened because once in a while it just does.

and the dreams are always so real...like i read the text messages. i feel the hugs. the breeze carries a smell.

and i always remember them in the morning.


this first one caught me off guard. he interrupted another dream all together. just walked straight into it and up to me and said

::hola mija::

i text him in the morning to find out what that meant. he asked me why i asked that...i had to tell him he was there...last night...with me...


more recently there text messages

::i regret not dancing::

i woke up reaching for my phone...knowing they weren't actually there. i wanted to call and ask him what my dream meant.



i never would. i still have the last message we sent me

:i hope we can still be friends:



i wish we could have

i'm secretly in love
with the memory of you
and everything you always
meant to me
but i could never allow
myself to have

i wish i would have let myself

i've fallin in love
with the thought of
who....................you
.........once were
and i can't reconcile with with
...who....................you..........ve
..........become

it hurts to know i'm always too ...............................late
....to have what i deserve
i deserve you then
....but too afraid that you'd
realize i was no where
......................................................................................................near
who i am now
and you're........gone . . .
the irony of our situation
is................we'll............never
.....meet.............in..................the
.........................................................m......i.......d.......d............l...........e

i'm just stuck
.........in love you with.............................then

strike 3....f- that

So i quit dating. i'm just over it. done.

finished

finito


whatever you want to call it. i am official over the whole dating institution. mainly because i am the queen of being blown off.

wtf? chase me around a club, a mall, a restaurant...some how trick me into getting your/ or giving my number. talk. text. communicate. plan the date...and then within the hour of the date cancel

wtf

like seriously. you act like girls just throw on some jeans and leave the house. its a process...a long drawn out process...

choose the outfit. matching accessories. complimentary hair and make up. perfume. meal. location. car...and then your ass doesn't show

you've got to be kidding me.


seriously....don't call anymore

ever



die




like i get it first time shame on you....second time shame on me....third time WTF


the same guy has done this twice now. the first time i get it family emergency....second time your ass if just too lazy.

fuck

you


thanks

bye




i can't even think of anything else to say today. that is all


just bye

it is better to have loved and lost- w/e...you've obviously never had your heart broken

some people swear they want a love like Romeo and Juliet...but if you really think about it they were really more in infatuation that anything. I mean really Romeo was in love with Juliet's cousin when the play starts. if anything Juliet was is rebound girl...

i always wanted a love like Wuthering Heights. That I can't breath without you kind of love. That even if we're not together you are me...kind of love. well now that i've done that...i need to find a new kind of love that i want. (definitely don't want to do that again.)

anyway...found Wuthering heights on google books and wanted to share my favorite quotes


“This is nothing,” cried she; “ I was only going to say that heaven did not seen to be my home; and I broke my heart with weeping to come back to earth; and the angels were so angry that they flung me out into the middle of the heath on the top of Wuthering Heights; where I woke sobbing for joy. That will do to explain my secret, as well as the other. I’ve no more business to marry Edgar Linton that I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there had not brought Heathcliff so low I shouldn’t have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him; and that not because he’s handsome, Nelly, but because he’s more myself that I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton’s is as different as a moonbeam to lightning, or frost from fire” (Wuthering Heights 71)

“My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I’m well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff- he’s always, always in my mind- not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself- but as my own being; so don’t talk of our separation again- it is impractical…” (Wuthering Heights 73)

“You teach me now how cruel you’ve been- cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort- you deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears. They’ll blight you- they’ll damn you. You loved me- then what right had you to leave me? What right- answer me- for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own free will, did it. I have not broken your heart- you have broken it- and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me, that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you- Oh, God! would you live with your soul in the grave?”
“ Let me alone. Let me alone,” sobbed Catherine. “If I’ve done wrong, I’m dying for it. It is enough! You left me too; but I won’t unbraid you! I forgive you. Forgive me!”
“It is hard to forgive, and to look at those eyes, and feel those wasted hands,” he answered. “Kiss me again; and don’t let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer- but yours! How can I?”
They were silent- their faces hid against each other, and washed by each other’s tears. (Wuthering heights 141-2)

“Oh, you said you cared nothing for my sufferings! And I pray for one prayer- I repeat it till my tongue stiffens- Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living! You said I killed you- haunt me then! The murdered di haunt their murderers, I believe; I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. But with me always- take any form- drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss where I can not find you! Oh God! it is unutterable! I can not live without my life! I can not live without my soul!” (Wuthering Heights 146)

2010 the year of wackness?

please don't stand me up for a date and then text me the next day like everythings ok...


trust we are fighting



trust...



eh

on to the next one

so my boss is out sick today...so i'll be on facebook literally all day.

so my date yesterday. #fail

so i get off of work early so i can get dressed and i look hot. grey pencil skirt, pen stripe button up, black belt, sexy black pumps, sexy hair and hot make up. i leave at 6 since owings mill is 50 minutes away and i'm horrible with directions and i borrow meghan's car because mine has been acting up. so i'm driving and without paying attention fly by my exit and end up in westminster. fml. its 6:40 and i'm 45 minutes away. i look down at my phone and my sister has been texting me non stop since i left but i notice one of them is from my date

6:21 ::hello::

so i responed ::hey. so i might be a little late tonight. sry. i missed my exit::

he responds ::no no. i was hitting you up to tell you i had a family issue and had to go home to philly::

WTF...its 7:00. and your ass texts me to tell me that. not even calls. I live an hour away. i'm on my way. i didn't even know what to say. all of a sudden my car is slowing down on the highway...ppl are passing me and tears are filling my eyes

i hate dating

::o...well i guess i'm rushing for no reason. i hope everythings ok::

::yeah my cousin got hit up...but he's a soldier::

::wow. well thanks for calling me to let me know...i guess i'll talk to you some other time::

::i'm back in the am. i can come down to you if you want::

::SILENCE::

i call my sister. furious. embarrassed. so sick of the same shit.

ew


i came up. took off my shoes. put on some sweats. maid a tuna a cheddar sandwich, curled up in my moms bed and vegged in front of project runway. and didn't talk to anyone. before i went to bed i simply responded with

:Hmmm::

nigga that was strike three
1) you tried to grab my ass in a club
2) you never called. ever. unless you were the blocked number in which case you never left a message
3) you cancelled a date 30 minutes before the date over text message

p.s. i hate you.


he probably has a gf. or a wife. or a baby mama....or he's just wack in general. thats not even a probably. he is in fact WACK



f this. i'm going to be a hot spinster with 500 cats in a nice ass house and spoil my niece with everything she ever wants.

fuck niggas


get money

i hate the ravens

first dates

so i'm going on a date. and i rarely go on dates...so it must be a big thing if i'm actually planning on going an dnot just saying i'm going and then avoiding their phone calls

which might actually be happening...but i don't really know that its him calling from the blocked/unknown number and not leaving a message. who blocks their number and then doesn't leave a message. eh

anyway i met him at the club on saturday. and i actually was about to hit him in the face...which just shows you that this is a match made in heaven... :-/

anyway we're going out on thursday since he'll be out of town on saturday...so i guess i'll have to explain to my trainer later why i skipped the gym during the week or i'll have to go on saturday to make up for it (not excited...but i have lost 10 pounds...so i'm going to do what i have to do at this point)

so i asked him what time and where?
he says "owings mill. anytime your'e available. anywhere you want."

i think this is a trick

there is no right answer...if i choose a realyl cheap place it looks like i have no standards if i choose a really expensive place i look like a user

and i'm not the familiar with owings mill regardless so i don't even know what an inbetween place is.

i'm between bone fish, liberatore's and ruth's chris

bone fish:
pros- good food, reasonable price, never been.
cons- fish....

liberatores's
pros- love italian, reasonable price, good reviews
cons- kind of looks cheap, i'm messy with italian, never been

ruth's chris
pros- heard lots of good reviews, amazing food, great environment
cons- crazy expensive, not really in owings mill...

extra con- i don't know where any of these places actually are.

im about to be like f-it...meet me at cheesecake factory down here.


i thought guys made the plans for the first date anyway.



onto another subject. i can't find the pictures from the club on saturday and i really want them. The friday pictures were kind of skanky...but i was looking cute on saturday. but they're no where to be seen.

DaVaughn, Marko and Bim keep tagging me on facebook with the friday pics though.

not cool...


Spring fling is this weekend at McDaniel. I promised to go. and then May 1st is the 1st year back reunion. that'll be 3 weekends in a row in McDaniel. I dunno if i'm ready to see everyone again. but the thing about graduating if i really could just never see them ever again.

and i kind of want to show them they didn't break me.


we'll see what happens. everything seems to be in warp speed these days.

I live my dating life through lessons i've learned from my friend Isata and my sister. They both went through a dating phase...i tend to date one persona and then just date them for years and after we break up i'm single until the next date and then it happens all over again.

well i started going out after my last relationship. I started dragging Isata with me and she slowly starting giving pointers....without realizing she was. more like "if he can dance with you he can buy you a drink." or "don't do something stupid because you don't know who's watching you...and someone's always watching." "Never give your number out...always take their number. then you can choose if you want to talk to them or not" and "never pay to get into the club. they should be paying us to go." little things that i actually started reciting back to her when we went out on saturday. she couldn't stop laughing that i had remembered all the little things she said in passing.

my sister was pregnant when i finally became single. All those times she had asked me to go out with her and she wanted to do things i always said no to stay with some bf and as soon as she can't go out anymore i'm single...she was a little bitter about that. but her pointers are a bit more elegant...eloquent "people like us...with integrity tend to give too much of ourselves without meaning to. be careful. be wary. have a game plan" and "don't reach for your purse...i know i do it all the time because we were raised to take care of ourselves...but men need to know that we expect more of them than to pay for ourselves...you can still be independent and have standards" all of her lessons come with stories. the before and the after. what she used to do...what she learned...and now what she expects.

my standards have always been so low. without meaning to be. I just always thought that if i loved hard enough everything else would fall into place.

and i'm not saying thats wrong.


but i am saying thats how you get walked on.

and i've been walked on a lot.

i put on make up like

war paint

before i go out.

and when i wash it off i

secretly

............hope

some of my own insecurities

will wipe away as well

i create a mask

stronger

than who i think i am

without fears

or cares

or thought of what tomorrow

will bring

and people

silence

in her presence

they

..............stop

and she sway with the power

she has over them

......................................a..............l.................l

i wish i felt that

way on

monday

sometimes you've just got to learn the hard way