Aaron forgave me today....

i must really be horrible at communication if he thout at any moment i was apologizing for something.

He forgave me for everything that he resented me for. however he never gave me an examples of what he resented me for.

This whole conversation came out when he started asking me when i get out of class and if i wanted to get something to eat. when i asked why he said we needed to talk....about what?

"Honestyle about what the issue of everything. I didn't know what it was between me and u but I know now. And maybe u do to but u think I'm against u and every time we talk we don't get the answers we really want."

"I forgive u for everything"


umm what? the last time i spoke to him he was going off on me about hwo i need to get over my issued with his mother....but now you want to go to eat and you forgive me.

i said ok....i guess sometimes i can't help being rude.

he that i brushed it off like i don't care. "Maybe u should learnto forgive."

"maybe you should learn to apologize."

"i'm sorry I ruined your life. OSrry I let you down. Sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me"

"thanks"

"That's it?"

"What do you want?" You want a clean slate? You want to be cleansed of your sins?
Thank you for realizing your actions have consequences.
but no. I don't forgive you. I don't have to"

thats when he said i think i'm perfect. that i only care about myself....all of this while he's sending things from his new cellphone...on his break at work. from his new life. in his new home....while i'm 25 and married and alone....

nope i don't care about you hurting...i guess not...i guess looking at your vacation pictures. and hearing your holiday stories from your cousins...and listening to your excuses once a month...and suddenly you forgive me.

thank you. thank you for your forgiveness. i feel complete now. thank you...i can now continue on with my life in knowing that you have forgiven me...



he then asked me to tell him that i odn't love him....because he can't go on thinking that i do.

i won't give you that. that release from your guilt. i won't lie for you to feel better at night.



does that make me a horrible person to not know how to not love you?...


no one explained that in that fine line between love and hate...you can still love that person....i think thats what makes i hurt even more in the end...the not knowing how....to.........let............go............

my husbands gone.

i don't know if that's even a true statement since thinking back on the entire situation i don't know if he was ever really here to begin with.

my husbands gone.

maybe if i jut keep saying it something will click.

my husbands gone


and it feels like my best friend died. or my confidant. or my arch enemy moved in next door and keeps stealing my parking place.

my husbands gone



and sometimes i wake up in the morning and think that this is just one big joke. one long nightmare. i'll wake up a year ago. 2 years ago. 3 years ago......4 years ago and none of this would have happened and we'll just be....

my husbands gone....


and i don't know which is worse - that he's gone or that he's still here...and i have to look at him and speak to him and realize that at some point in the lasy year he turned into someone that i want no part in.

my husbands gone...........

and it feels like the world has stopped spinning sometimes.
like everything is backwards. and up is down. and right is wrong. and no one realizes how much it hurts just to wake up every morning and keep going....


my husbands gone.

i wonder if ppl know it just by looking at me. i wonder if you stand close enough you can hear my heart breaking. i wonder if pain radiates off a person like heat.



i wonder if he even hurts like this....



my husband gone................and if you looked at him you'd never know the last 2 years ever happened

So I haven't posted in a while. A lot happened and I couldn't seem to put them into words let alone find the time to post about it.

I'm back at work now. Its a bittersweet situation. Its nice to be around adults. to have adult conversations. To be here....doing something productive...but I'd much prefer to be at home with Solana. Its hard to be away from her. and by the time I do see her I'm exhausted. My littl ebit of bonding time is usualy spent sleeping...or trying to sleep.

Life is getting back into order. its not where I thought i'd be its. it no where near where i expected to be...but i'm not surprised i'm here. I'm also not upset about it anymore...ok maybe today i'm upset. only because i got a total of 4 hours to sleep in two nights. dressed myself and baby alone. rushed out of the house. hshared a car with my mother. dropped her off at daycare and known that i was imposing on my mother for additional support


i shouldn't have to do that



i shouldn't have to do this alone



my mother shouldn't have to help so much




its just where i some how ended up.









it was time for a change. and i feel it in the air. that there is more change to come. that this isn't the end of it...but just the beginning. i think more big changes are on the way and i'm not upset about that. i know that they're all for goo din the long run. they'll all help me get to where we need to be.



we deserve so much more than we have here. and i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that my daughter has the future...the life...that she deserves.





i think the nest 25 year years are going to go a log smoother for me. a lot happened in 2011. a lot will be fixed in 2012. a lot will be accomplished.


i just have to be ready to take hold... written 1/27/2011 - one day i'll actually post when i'm done

here comes the curveball

AHHH! I haven't updated in a while...but life has been hectc with a new baby. This doesn't mean that my in laws have been any easier...i just haven't really had time to simply focus on their crazy.

MIL has a new trend of trying to butter my up on thursday so she can try to force a visit on fridays. mind you at this point i don't enjoy being alone in a room with her. well 2 week ago she came over and started giving me marriage advice.... "you're going to have ups and downs...but you need to look at this baby and remember what the reason is..." ummm? we didn't just get married because i was pregnant. aaron and i have been together for like 4 years...it was bound to happen...yeah we sped it up a bit...but we didn't just meet each otehr and get pregnant.

anyway the whole point is to say she's the queen of jumping over boundaries adn giving inappropriate advice...


so she comes over today. she text me at 10am asking if she could stop by..and i didn't have an excuse since aaorn took the car, but i told her aaron would be home around 3....so she said she'd come after she got off of work at 1:30
when i told aaron that she was coming his question "did she ask you if she could" good boy! you're learning...

so aaron comes home early and its a total surprise to MIL that he was there. the visit started up pretty nice until i brought up the baptism. I tol dher its scheduled from november 20 and that they wanted to know how many pews to reserve so i asked her how many do you think

::blank stare::

change of subject...so i have to bring it back. "how many people do you think we can expect from your family?"

"who are YOU going to invite from my family?"

wow. the queen of inviting ppl i don't even know to my babyshower is now asking me who i'm inviting to a baptism...

ok...moving on "we're thinking about going to dinner after words

::blank stare::

change of subject...so aaron brings it back "well do you think we should like go to dinenr afterwards

"do YOU want to go to diner afterwards?

wow...ok...

and each thing she finishes off with "i'm here for you guys. tell me what you NEED me to do" umm...who are you

its like I can't expect anything from our visits....she always has a friggin curveball

i'm not from a family that invties the whol eextended famiyl to baptisms. its not my culture. and when i wanted to invite ppl to my babyshowershe started inviting a ton of ppl. same for the birth of m child. wheni don't want advice she gives it...


but here i am ASKING for it and she shuts it down "what do YOU want? what are YOU going to do? I'm here for you....tell me what you NEED me to do" I need your fucking advice


fuck it...



i'm not inviting anyone from your family.


my family will just go out to eat afterwards



this was a nice reminder of why i don't ask you for your opinion


by the way


i hate you

hurdle number one

about to go meet aaron's dad for the first time
1) he flaked the first time we were supposed to meet. didn't answer aaron's calls and then called the next day saying he was ready to meet...
2) he asked to meet today, but asked aaron to call and remind him the day before...then avoided aarons calls yesterday
3) he avoided his calls today as well
4) we're supposed to meet him at the golden corral and neither of us have any money
5) we're supposed to meet at 1
6) he just called back saying he
was on his way up there now after being MIA all day
7) i have a baby who needs to eat and get dressed and i haven't gotten dressed yet
8) he doesn't have a car
9) he's talked aaron into meeting him by saying "i have something for you
10) i know this is going to get back to lorena...
this is my life.


having dinner with MIL on sunday. She blows me. lots of updates on that front...but not for now. for now lets just deal with this hurdle...


goodness i don't do well with black men....they tend to be so disappointing

new baby...same drama...

Wow I haven't posted in a long time. I started a new blog focused entirely on mu daughter - TheLittlestIraheta.blogspots.com

I had to be careful since I complain so much abotu MIL on this site that I couldn't let them link to each other. This woman by the way is turning into a psych. I actually spoke with out marriage counselor about it during a 1 on 1 today. He actually agreed with me, which was a relief. He believes she has a personality disorder and that I'll just need to cut her off to get away from her.

"Its not up for discussion. if you have anything else you'd like to say, write me a letter, but i'm not talking about it anymore."

he said that i would probably never get any support from Aaron's family, but i would earn a lot of respect.

Example of MIL's overbearing ways: After Solana was born we invited Joe and Terry to come to the hospital to see her. They were literally the only ppl we called to invite. they were supposed to be the god parents, until it got vetoed. well they came over and hung out which was wonderful. Well I just found out this woman called up Joe and Terry afterwards to "thank" them for coming to visit us. "i know that you are close to holly and aaron and i really wanted to thank you for comign to the hospital." ummm excuse me? are you the hostess? back off! She even confronted Terry for wearing Purple
"oh you like the color purple...holly likes the color purple too..." ::snear::

she's so immature.

the counselor said that the fail safe would just to be to admit that I don't understand her. Its not that I don't like her...i just don't get her...

i really avoid her at all costs at this point. Its really immature...but after she started trying to divide and conquer...i just stopped talking to her. i"m simply waiting for "My hill to die on" - that one situation that I will not/could not/refuse to back down from. I'm gonna go hard whenever i find it.

at this point I'm just not going to talk to her since I feel like i have to ask her permission before i can do anything for my child. Can't by her a baptismal gown cuz aaorn's was saved. Can't buy bedding because she wants the abby to use aarons. Aaron's bangles. She's wants to host to baptismal party. not those god parents. Not that color...on and on...well i'm over it. i'm just going to play elsewhere in the words of the counselor...i'm not asking her permission about my own child.

bitch...



its going to be a long 18 years...and she's going to learn her place...


hopefully sooner rather than later.

i want my body back.


i want to sleep at night

i want to meet my daughter. and hold her. and look at her. and bring her home and meet her and get to know her

i want to heal. i want to be able to walk and not have my back hurt. to be able to roll over and sit down and stand up and climb stairs

i want the little things i never realized i wanted


i want my whining to be about crying babies and car seats and doing hair...






i don't want to be pregnant anymore...

i thought i just saw the finish line...who the fuck keeps moving me cheese?

I am sooo over being pregnant.

OVER

IT

I'm 38 weeks and 5 days and I'm sick and tired of being pregnant. I've been counting down to August 4th since December...and now it's literally in shouting distance. Its close enough I can taste it...I can smell it. I feel the breeze coming off of it

and now my doctor is talking about 41 weeks


41 weeks and possible csection


like fuck you, too!


No dilation. no effacement. nothing. no talks of induction. no talks of squats or sex or walking for hours...just csection.

the baby's big

i get it

she's high and tight

i get it


she's so friggin comfortable she's not even THINKING about sliding into home base

like wtf?!?!


we had a long talk last night...me and baby. i explained to her how this is all going to work out. what she's going to do...what i'm going to do...and how important it is that she gets into the ball game


i haven't seen her following through on her side of the deal...but i'm hoping. i'm hoping she's just stubborn like her parents. that she's just oppositional like her father and will just eventually do what she needs to do in her own time

just surprise me, darling. take your time...but do what we've discussed.

i'd really appreciate it


because at this point...


it feels like i'm going to be pregnant




forever

hormones

i might be hormonal...actually i am absolutely positive that I am- being 9 months pregnant with a 30 pound child...but i don't think me asking you to carry a fucking vacuum down 3 flights of stairs is enough to warrant a week of silence.

this is bull shit.

the reason i love my sister

i miss you

i miss sleeping...

people keep telling me that this is just my body preparing me for the rest of my life. no sleep at night. surviving off of fumes.

what they don't seem to understand is that once LO comes I can share the responsibility with Aaron. While she's incubating it's just me pacing the halls with her.

I'm sure i'll miss this. The feeling of her stretching and kicking inside of me. the tickling feeling of her hiccups and her fingers. the stretch and pull of her trying to make room where there isn't any.


but all i can think of right now is how much i miss sleeping

i miss sleeping on my stomach

i miss sleeping on my back

i miss sleeping laying down

i miss cuddling up next to aaron and knocking out as soon as the lights turn off

i miss sleeping straight until my alarm clock goes off

i miss 2 blankets and a fan on while i'm sleeping

i miss layering clothes before i go to bed

i miss hot showers right before sleep


god i miss sleeping...


now my night consists of fans and light sheets. piles of pillows to create and awkward half up half down position so i can breathe. falling asleep at 8 with the tv on to wake up at 12 with everything off except for me. peeing every 20 minutes. no comfortable position for longer than 10

and no real rest UNTIL the alarm goes off. Its always the last 5 minutes that I actually get comfortable. that last second before it's time to go to work that I actually could clothes my eyes and just stay...



i think while other ppl dream of amazing nights of hot sex or romantic nights of moon night strolls on sandy beaches... i will always dream of long nights with just me

and my pillows

and sleep

eviction notice

i love my daughter. i love her like i've never loved anything or anyone in my entire life.

she is my life...


i would give my life for her and i haven't even seen what she looks like...


but i promise


i cross my heart...



if she starts kicking me in the back like she did on monday afternoon i will evict her from her homestead


i am almost 37 weeks pregnant and i don't have anywhere else to go. MY belly can't possibly stretch anymore. i thought 5 months ago that was as far as i could get. i've surprised myself. currently the largest thing on me is my middle. i think if i measured around my waist and held it straight it would be as tall as i cam.

she was 7pounds 5 ounces 2 weeks ago...and she's just packing on the weight now.

she has my chubby cheeks and her father's powerful thighs.


and i don't think my back can take another day of her tantrums.



in all honesty i'm not ready for her to come out. i still have some cleaning to do. some relaxing to do...a few more weeks of working to do...


but we'll see. she's holding all of the cards at the moment. and i'm being run by a little person living inside of me


but, Little Bear, if you can hear me...mommy does not like you kicking me...

please stop

love, mommy

a piece of advice

if you never listen to a thing i say...and you just read this to laugh at the daily nonsense i'm put through...

please at least remember this one tidbit of advice:

marriage counselors are a god send.


this isn't our first counselor...we actually failed with him. I'm not sure if i posted that story or if its lost in the sea of saved, but unpublished entries.

it was ugly. a massacre. a debacle.

a jolly old gentleman who told aaron to stand up for himself...so aaron stood up...against the counselor.

i should have known it would end in flames after the first evening.


i loved the man. he's a pastor at my church. i see him rather often actually. aaron however. well lets just hope they never cross each others paths again.


well Pastor M (i probabaly should have mentioned his name earlier in this post) referred us to Justin.

I personally was ready to give up. I mean seriously, who fails marriage counseling? but we went and met with him. i expected the same thing to happen. we walk into the room where a man who barely reaches 5'9" and somewhere between 27 and 39 - a stocky little man with a huge personality who had the audacity to curse in a church.

it was love at first sight

i must admit that it feels like the conversation tends to turn more towards football, weight lifting and injuries...but real matters get discusses in the middle.

we talk about concerns. he listens. asks questions. poses ideas. turns it into a sports analogy i don't understand but some how issues get resolved.



- - -


we are having some huge cultural differences. that's the only way i can think of describing it. i knew from the beginning that Aaron was from a large hispanic family. That's what i loved about it. all of the laughter and joy. the bickering the making up. Even when we weren't together i loved it. Hell i talked to his mother at least once a month while we weren't together.

but then i got pregnant


and everything changed




all of a sudden i wasn't the GF anymore...i was ONE OF THEM...and my child was THEIRS...and my opinions were the last anyone cared to hear about.


it was like one day everything was great and the next day....no one spoke to me again.


i don't even know if we talk now. they tell me what they've planned. i tell them no thanks we already have it covered and pause. repeat. i swear everything turns into a discussion.


no i don't want to do that

well i think you should

well i really don't want to do that

well we all think you should

well i'm not doing it

well we were so sure that you would

no. i'm not

o. ok...well we really think it would be best if you would.


it makes me want to rip my hair out. Aaron is immune...he just ignores it. pretends to be asleep. walks away. says ok and then just does w/e it is that he wanted to do in the first place.

I don't want to play these games for the rest of my life


my way of avoiding it and just not going over there. just not talking to them.

so now they think i don't like them...but how do i tell them its not that i don't like you...i just don't like how to try to control my life.


its an issue that aaron will have to step inbetween for the rest of our lives together. i just don't have the patience for it...i just don't have the attention span to care about their hurt feelings


but at least last night we were able to talk about it. at least the tip of the iceberg anyway.

and it was nice that the Justin understood where i was coming from. he understood extended families. he understood how crazy ppl get when babies come along. he knew what we needed...


and i appreacitate that.



i'm not saying everythings fixed. i'm not saying that the world is rainbows and unicorns...


but i can say that today...today its sunny out...and i'm not afraid of the ppl that usually make it rain



and i can thank our counselor for that

i don't want to talk about it

there's a woman in my office that is very quickly getting on my nerves. I don't know if it's hormones or just the fact that i'm over ignorance.

She's a nice girl, don't get my wrong. She's funny and friendly...and ghetoo as hell. Barely graduated from highschool...been with the same guy since middle school. broken up and gotten back together while living together for almost 10 years now and have a child together.

She misses being pregnant...and continues to tell me how much i'm going to miss it as well

i really don't understand what its with other women telling you about yourself when you're pregnant. please Lord...don't let me become one of those women...

She comes up to my desk to replay her birthing experience. to cuss about the lactation coach who tried to force her into breast feeding. about how women with csections have flatter stomachs faster...and how she can't wait to see my baby

and why aren't i ask excited


excuse?


i'm at work...i'm not talking about being pregnant...i'm just at work.

and the fact that throughout this entire pregnancy all anyone else has done was tell me how i should be reacting has made it so i've never had to chance to really have my own feelings about the situation

i am excited. i love her. its funny to feel her wiggling inside of me. i wonder what she's going to look like. i can't wait to meet her


but i'm sick and friggin tired of eveyrone TELLING me what she's going to look like. how tall she's going to be. when she's going to be born. how she's going to act. how i'm going to act

back the fuck off!



i'm excited...i am...but i don't want to talk about it


and i particularly don't want to hear you talking about it either.


i finally told her that i don't really feel like talking about it anymore...its the only subject anyone will discuss with me now. its been 9 months of the exact same topic...lord...can someone talk about something other than what it was like when they gave birth or tried to breast feed?!?!

she told me I was being stank...and she can't wait until the baby's out so she can kick my butt

i walked away




eh....

rules for DDay

I'm creating a list of rules and regulations for delivery...my mother thinks I'm being controlling...which is partly true...but also for the simple fact that once delivery is literally within seeing distance you slowly, but surely lose your mind.

Every time i turn around I hear about another random relative being invited for EDD and its driving me nuts. 1) because no one asked me how i felt about it and 2) because everyone is only thinking of themselves.

For once....i'm being completely selfish and considering my own feelings after i give birth.

so this is what i have so far:



I would like to set up some ground rules…because i think its only fair as I’m the one who’s giving birth to the baby and I’m starting to feel like everything ifs being taken out of my hands without asking me.

1) The day I go into labor – we’ll let everyone know, but please don’t come to the
hospital - wait until we call and say we are ready for visitors
This rule is to prevent unneeded stress to both the laboring woman (holly) and the laboring attendants (mom and Aaron). We will let Aaron’s mother know and my sister as soon as the baby is born and let them know when they can come to the hospital once I’ve been moved to the mommy and me floor

2) Please on the day that the baby is born i would like to limit visitors to just immediate family, (ie mom, dad, sister, brother. Please no extended family)
I understand that everyone is very excited to meet the baby, but I expect to be very tired after giving birth and would like time to rest. I would also like to have time with just my baby and my husband to bond as well as to establish breastfeeding. These are moments that can’t be taken back and I would really appreciate if everyone respected the need to calm and solace.

3) The day after delivery can we please limit visitors to the following times

4) When visiting – please no more than 4 people plus parents in the room.

5) Upon release from the hospital – please respect the same visiting hours and number of people at a time.

6) No pictures on facebook. I don’t want my daughter flashed across the Internet and when she is i want it to be done by either her father or mother.

7) Please respect the parents’ wishes. We understand that the advice given is from seasoned parents, but as this is our first child, we have our own ideas and plans on how to raise her. We will ask when we need help and advice, but extreme amount of advice can be overwhelming and will most likely be ignored.




do i think any of these will go over smoothly? OF COURSE NOT

do i expect a lot of family discussion about it? DEFINITELY


will i continue to do this for the rest of my life? IF I THINK ITS NECESSARY

we are coming from 2 completely different cultures. 1 that thinks as a unit and one that thinks as individuals.

I only need one person to depend on and i need that to be my husband....so i need him...for ONCE....to see things from my point of view. just once to back me on what i think is important and just ONCE(!!!!) stand up to his mother and tell her to sit the fuck down.



i'm not going to stress too much about this...but trust and believe that I will be telling the hospital staff the same things...so if aaron can't grow some...i know they will

more....more.....more....

I don't know how I could possible have postpartum depression after the stressed out depressed nine months that i've just gone through.

I guess in hispanic families they prevent PPD by treating pregnant women like shit and celebrating the father of the child for knocking them up. since the moment i let them know that we conceived i've been cut off, ignored, brushed aside, reprimanded, corrected and told that i'm "overly protective." I think at this point i'm prepared for absolutely anything after the baby is born.

they, however, have no idea just how overly protective i plan on becoming....



5 more weeks until EDD (expected delivery day). I'm looking forward to finally meeting the little girl who has claimed residence of my body...and at the same time dreading having to share her with other people. I almost want to hold her in to protect her from the firestorm that her birth will cause in this family.

I'm completely over the group think.

I'm done with the extended family mentality

I'm over the cultural difference and the excuses

"this is what we do"

"this is how it's always been done"

" this is who we are"

when are they going to realize that i'm not one of them...and my daughter won't be raised that way.




how dare she tell me i "can't be overly protective." maybe someone should have been more protective with their children. Maybe then they wouldn't all have smoked weed and had sex before ever getting a high school diploma. Maybe someone would have graduated from college now. Maybe the honor roll would have been an actuality rather than a dream. Maybe they would have succeeded more in life if someone actually looked out for their children rather than what everyone else thought was the right thing to do.

My mother was overly protective with us...and maybe we didn't do things the way she planned...but we all have graduated from college. We all can support ourselves. We all succeeded in life to this point. no one can fault her for the choice that she made to put us first in life...and no one will fault me.

fuck all of you and your group think.


fuck you and your third world mentality.


fuck you for looking down your ignorant noses at me for wanting more for my child than you ever wanted for yours.


In your desperate attempt to keep everyone on the same level you have hindered yourself for generations. I want my daughter to far exceed even the heights that I have dreamt for myself.




i hope that she looks back on you all and shakes her head...that you all were small hurdles that her mother over took so that she could claim her spot in the stars






how dare you expect her to huddle on the ground with you all...



....when there is an entire universe for her to explore.






fuck you all very much...for showing me that at the end of the day...none of you matter

baby shower debrief

So my baby shower was last weekend. Things actually went rather smoothly. I was expecting the worst possible scenario and thankfully it never occurred.

mind you that doesn't mean that MIL wasn't acting out or that the ILs weren't antisocial OR that Aaron's friends were pains...it simply means that no one got shot.

I accidentally planned the shower on the same day as Caribbean carnival. typical. we had chosen the date for after our anniversary as we were going to get married and announce it at the shower. the wedding plans turned into something bigger than either of us wanted so we cancelled...and hated each other...and broke up...and then eloped before anyone cold tell us what they though we should do.

his mother was upset...as to be expected. she said something to the extent of "well you know what you're getting into..." which i took more as a warning than a congratulations...

aaron told me that she whined before i got there "i wanted to beeee there....was holly's mom there? why didn't you teeeeellllll me?"

aaron was very straightforward. or so he told me. "it was just the two of us. no one knew. we just wanted the two of us there."

"well i wanted to be there"

"if you were there everyone would have to be there"

"soooooooooooooo...."

so that was last wednesday. she didn't find out until thursday. the shower was on saturday.

my aunt came from california to be there. she finally met ani who performed for the crowd. Tuck and Tosin hosted and did a great job of dealing with me as mother-zilla and keeping the crowd moving.

aaron's mother's contribution was a cake and it was huge. and milky. and not sweet...aaron loved it. i would have worn it as a dress...or a hat...wasn't too fond of the flavor. his family came and stayed to themselves mainly. i think they were waiting for a big wedding announcement that never came.

only one aunt and one uncle (and his wife) came of his entire family. that was aggravating. his cousin and his wife came. a bunch of my friends who said they would be there was all of a sudden MIA...bitches... his cousins didn't come. 2 aunts didn't come...and his sister actually showed up 3 hours late - her excuse "she went to the pool"

are you for real? you only have one baby shower in your life time...and you were too busy to actuall yact right and come to your brother's?if it had been at his house and had a whole bunch of patron i bet everyone would have made a way up there...

anyway. wade and richard came late as usual. wade had RSVPed saying he wasn't going to make it cuz he was going to be out of town...and then suddenly remembered that he was actually gone on antoher weekend and didn't tell anyone as a "surprise" -___-

silence


He wanted me to read his card out loud. some nonsense about "i couldn't believe it when you said you were having a baby...but hey if anyon one should it may as well be you."

silence

he also made an announcement after the gifts "i couldn't believe it when aaron said he was having a baby, but i have an announcement. i'm having a baby too....in 5 years...ha ha ha"




silence....


he's so wack


my mother was like "that tall one was annoying...and immature. so was the short one (richard)"

they came as we were handing out prize awards and MIl tried to stop everything so that they could play the games. it was too late...and we weren't having it.

are you forreal? the shower started at 1...your ass showed at 4...we're not restarting everything for 2 ppl...



MIL bought a bunch of onsies that say "I LOVE DADDY" and a frame that she showed me months ago that she said she was keeping for herself. and then gave us a toddler car seat.

i have no problem with the carseat...please don't get my wrong. thank you...


but seeing as we have at least 6 months before she'll be in it i don't understand why she got it for us. This woman demanded a list of 4 or 5 things that we wanted for her to pick from...and then in the end ignored it and did what she wanted.

not surprised...

its typical honestly...


its annoying...

she complained to my aunt about us getting married

she bragged to mom about how her bf works night and day

she tripped in her too high heels and almost busted her ass...


and she left right after the presents were opened.



oh and wade hit on morgan. lol.


lets see...the next day we went and picked up some of aaron's clothes since he's slowly but surely moving out. she wasn't too excited about that and wanted us "all on the same page" about it. aaron never made any definite answers as to what he was doing...

she hasn't been calling him like she used to

his sister isn't talking to either one of us again...

i haven't heard from either one of them...but they stopped talking to me around the time that i got pregnant...

...and/or stopped agreeing to everything they said




i'm enjoying the silence and preparing for the worst possible case scenario. but who knows when that will happen...

i never thought i'd feel this way

i keep typing posts, but not posting them.

i think i'm going to try to be a littl emore positive these days. I don't want to look back on my pregnancy and only remember my complaints

i honestly love the little jumps and kicks from the little one inside of me. its comforting to know she's there. maybe no one will understand the feeling...but its like you're never alone. that for your entire life she's been there waiting for just the right time to make herself known.

and i can't wait to meet her.

her personality already seems like so much fun.

he kicks are strong...and while i cringe i'm glad she's strong. i'm glad she is adament. i'm glad that she wants to be known and i hope she come sout just as strong and independent as she already is here.

he dances to music. lol. its sweet to feel her kicking as soon as music starts playing. she pushes against things i'm leaning on. She has one little foot lodged under my ribs and when i lay some where she doesn't like she pushes up to make me move. as if already i need to remember to accomodate her first.

she hiccups at night...and now in the morning. a rhythmic motion just above my pelvis and todayi thik i felt her little tummy at the same time. i never felt that before.

i can feel her playing with her fingers. a gently tickle on my hips as she opens and closes her fingers trying to figure out where she is.

she pushes her little butt or knees around...right under my belly button. and as i'm layind dwon in bed i can lift my shirt and see her repositioning herself to be more comfortable in the little womb she has made her own.

she wakes up when her daddy tells her too. never when i do...


i dream of what she'll look like. i wonder how tall she'll be. if she'll be shy like her father or out spoken like her mother. if she'll have my butt. his nose. who's hair?

i have a thousand and one questions about here that i'll only learn in time...and i can't wait to learn them


and at the same time that i'm ready to meet her and see her and hold her in my arms as i have in my womb for all these weeks...i want to keep her inside of me...to protect her within me...hold her where no one can take her from me.

this will be the only time that she is with me 100% of the time...and i'll never get that back.

i'll never have complete say over her when she's born...and i'll have to learn to share her...and care for her differently than how i've been able to while i cared for myself.

i want to give her the world...but i want her to learn to work for it too.



i want to make her life easier than mine ever was.


and i want all of her dreams to come true




and if i have to fight heaven and hell to protect her i will....


and while i'm almost ready for her to come...i'll miss her here...i'll miss this feeling to being one. i'll miss it when she's gone.


i never thought i'd feel this way...

1 year later

This time last year is when it all began again. I wish I sill had the emails that I could share with you. The ups and downs of our rollercoaster relationship. lol

Aaron's being released from the hospital today.

He went in on Monday 6/13 for a knee surgery. Well officially a knee anthroscopy, SCAN, ACL reconstruction. it was supposed to be an in and out procedure. It ended up being 3 days in the hospital.

He surgery took 3 hours. we went in at 11:30 his surgery started around 2 and ended around 3. He wasn't released from PACU until 11:53PM. His blood pressure shot through the roof and his heart rate wouldn't go down. we thought that everything would calm down over night and he'd come home in the morning. Well tuesday rolls around and the pain medicines aren't working and his heart rate is still high. So they keep him another night. Wednesday his heart rate started going down, but they realized that his lungs are not filling to capacity...leading to the high temperature and heart rate...he went from 108 at noon to a 125 when he was checked again around 3...that a full CAT scan and they decided to keep him again over night.

Today he's being released.

He text me (he finally has his phone 3 days later) saying he was on his way home.


Its been a long couple of days. hopefully he'll be able to get some rest at home. He doesn't like hospitals in general and officially doesn't like having to stay there alone over night...or with a roommate over night.

Recovery is going to be hard. We had assumed he would be on crutches for a week and then walking after wards. they told him instead he'll be off his leg for 6-8 weeks. they also mentioned his sports days might be over...he was high on morphine at the time and doesn't rememebr that. i'm not going to be the one to remind me.


Its hard to seeing him in pain. Its hard to seeing him in a hospital. It's hard seeing him helpless. I told him no more surgeries. purely for selfish reasons...i can't handle the stress of him being weak...Hopefully having him at home will make it easier. On both of us...

hopefully having it at him will make it better...


its been an interesting 9 months...lol.

its been an interesting year...



i can't wait to see what else life has in store for us.

over it

so i've come to realize that maybe its not just because of me...this whole angry pregnancy thing. i thought it was hormones. i thought i just wasn't made for it. i thought maybe i was doing something wrong all along...

i've never seen someone so over pregnancy as i have been for the past 6 months of my life...ok maybe not 6...maybe 5 or 4....just months of being pissed and alone and upset about everything from the additonal weight to the ridiculous drama.

now i've realized it more likely the situation that i'm in...and i'm totally over that now.



everything from march on ward has been dramatic. every decision from baby shower colors to christening gowns has been a dig discussion on who should be the one who makes the decision. hell even the god parents turned into a point of contention

and i'm over it...

i've over the nonsense.



i have been on an emotional rollercoaster due to hormones and in laws for longer than i can possibly stand...and i'm over it


from this point on...i'm not dealing with it. i'm black holing everything that is going to stress me out. i'm ignoring everything that is negative and ignorant. i'm walking away from anything that is going to turn a decision that we've made into a family discussion

i'm not dealing with it.


maybe after all of the hormones have left my system...when people have realized i'm not a child...when ppl grow up and educate themselves...then i'll be able to handle the stress...

but i'm simply not dealing with it anymore


fuck being the bigger person...

i'm just going to be the pregnant one...i think i deserve at least that...