new baby...same drama...

Wow I haven't posted in a long time. I started a new blog focused entirely on mu daughter - TheLittlestIraheta.blogspots.com

I had to be careful since I complain so much abotu MIL on this site that I couldn't let them link to each other. This woman by the way is turning into a psych. I actually spoke with out marriage counselor about it during a 1 on 1 today. He actually agreed with me, which was a relief. He believes she has a personality disorder and that I'll just need to cut her off to get away from her.

"Its not up for discussion. if you have anything else you'd like to say, write me a letter, but i'm not talking about it anymore."

he said that i would probably never get any support from Aaron's family, but i would earn a lot of respect.

Example of MIL's overbearing ways: After Solana was born we invited Joe and Terry to come to the hospital to see her. They were literally the only ppl we called to invite. they were supposed to be the god parents, until it got vetoed. well they came over and hung out which was wonderful. Well I just found out this woman called up Joe and Terry afterwards to "thank" them for coming to visit us. "i know that you are close to holly and aaron and i really wanted to thank you for comign to the hospital." ummm excuse me? are you the hostess? back off! She even confronted Terry for wearing Purple
"oh you like the color purple...holly likes the color purple too..." ::snear::

she's so immature.

the counselor said that the fail safe would just to be to admit that I don't understand her. Its not that I don't like her...i just don't get her...

i really avoid her at all costs at this point. Its really immature...but after she started trying to divide and conquer...i just stopped talking to her. i"m simply waiting for "My hill to die on" - that one situation that I will not/could not/refuse to back down from. I'm gonna go hard whenever i find it.

at this point I'm just not going to talk to her since I feel like i have to ask her permission before i can do anything for my child. Can't by her a baptismal gown cuz aaorn's was saved. Can't buy bedding because she wants the abby to use aarons. Aaron's bangles. She's wants to host to baptismal party. not those god parents. Not that color...on and on...well i'm over it. i'm just going to play elsewhere in the words of the counselor...i'm not asking her permission about my own child.

bitch...



its going to be a long 18 years...and she's going to learn her place...


hopefully sooner rather than later.

i want my body back.


i want to sleep at night

i want to meet my daughter. and hold her. and look at her. and bring her home and meet her and get to know her

i want to heal. i want to be able to walk and not have my back hurt. to be able to roll over and sit down and stand up and climb stairs

i want the little things i never realized i wanted


i want my whining to be about crying babies and car seats and doing hair...






i don't want to be pregnant anymore...

i thought i just saw the finish line...who the fuck keeps moving me cheese?

I am sooo over being pregnant.

OVER

IT

I'm 38 weeks and 5 days and I'm sick and tired of being pregnant. I've been counting down to August 4th since December...and now it's literally in shouting distance. Its close enough I can taste it...I can smell it. I feel the breeze coming off of it

and now my doctor is talking about 41 weeks


41 weeks and possible csection


like fuck you, too!


No dilation. no effacement. nothing. no talks of induction. no talks of squats or sex or walking for hours...just csection.

the baby's big

i get it

she's high and tight

i get it


she's so friggin comfortable she's not even THINKING about sliding into home base

like wtf?!?!


we had a long talk last night...me and baby. i explained to her how this is all going to work out. what she's going to do...what i'm going to do...and how important it is that she gets into the ball game


i haven't seen her following through on her side of the deal...but i'm hoping. i'm hoping she's just stubborn like her parents. that she's just oppositional like her father and will just eventually do what she needs to do in her own time

just surprise me, darling. take your time...but do what we've discussed.

i'd really appreciate it


because at this point...


it feels like i'm going to be pregnant




forever

hormones

i might be hormonal...actually i am absolutely positive that I am- being 9 months pregnant with a 30 pound child...but i don't think me asking you to carry a fucking vacuum down 3 flights of stairs is enough to warrant a week of silence.

this is bull shit.

the reason i love my sister

i miss you

i miss sleeping...

people keep telling me that this is just my body preparing me for the rest of my life. no sleep at night. surviving off of fumes.

what they don't seem to understand is that once LO comes I can share the responsibility with Aaron. While she's incubating it's just me pacing the halls with her.

I'm sure i'll miss this. The feeling of her stretching and kicking inside of me. the tickling feeling of her hiccups and her fingers. the stretch and pull of her trying to make room where there isn't any.


but all i can think of right now is how much i miss sleeping

i miss sleeping on my stomach

i miss sleeping on my back

i miss sleeping laying down

i miss cuddling up next to aaron and knocking out as soon as the lights turn off

i miss sleeping straight until my alarm clock goes off

i miss 2 blankets and a fan on while i'm sleeping

i miss layering clothes before i go to bed

i miss hot showers right before sleep


god i miss sleeping...


now my night consists of fans and light sheets. piles of pillows to create and awkward half up half down position so i can breathe. falling asleep at 8 with the tv on to wake up at 12 with everything off except for me. peeing every 20 minutes. no comfortable position for longer than 10

and no real rest UNTIL the alarm goes off. Its always the last 5 minutes that I actually get comfortable. that last second before it's time to go to work that I actually could clothes my eyes and just stay...



i think while other ppl dream of amazing nights of hot sex or romantic nights of moon night strolls on sandy beaches... i will always dream of long nights with just me

and my pillows

and sleep

eviction notice

i love my daughter. i love her like i've never loved anything or anyone in my entire life.

she is my life...


i would give my life for her and i haven't even seen what she looks like...


but i promise


i cross my heart...



if she starts kicking me in the back like she did on monday afternoon i will evict her from her homestead


i am almost 37 weeks pregnant and i don't have anywhere else to go. MY belly can't possibly stretch anymore. i thought 5 months ago that was as far as i could get. i've surprised myself. currently the largest thing on me is my middle. i think if i measured around my waist and held it straight it would be as tall as i cam.

she was 7pounds 5 ounces 2 weeks ago...and she's just packing on the weight now.

she has my chubby cheeks and her father's powerful thighs.


and i don't think my back can take another day of her tantrums.



in all honesty i'm not ready for her to come out. i still have some cleaning to do. some relaxing to do...a few more weeks of working to do...


but we'll see. she's holding all of the cards at the moment. and i'm being run by a little person living inside of me


but, Little Bear, if you can hear me...mommy does not like you kicking me...

please stop

love, mommy