no real subject actually...

I'm headed tot he beach tonight...with 3 skinny bitches. lol. not the best choice...but its too late.
i'm ok being the fat friend. it won't be the first time.

i should have packed last night, but instead decided to shave my legs and pile clothes on the floor

-what i need to bring

- what i want to bring

- what i really don't need
but will most likely end up
in my luggage anyway

I now have like 6 swim suits and 4 pairs of leggings and 2 leotards and 3 pairs of shorts and heels and heels and heels and nothing packed.



i'm still trying to decide if i want to go to the gym today or just go straight to get my nails done and do my hair. but i kind of want to see my la fitness crush one last time...just in case i miss him next time i go...like last time i went...

this entry is rather lack luster today. but i refuse to type out the thoughts i'm thinking...because i'm done talking about them


i went to orientation at Trinity University yesterday. I got into the Masters of Arts in Teaching. They've already signed me up for summer classes and i just need to talk to financial aid. the only problem is i don't know if this is what i want. i'm just waiting to see if i get into Heidelberg. I might ask to defer until the fall...just in case. so i don't start paying for something and sign up for loans that i don't want to have.

i just stopped to send my sister an email about it. hopefully she can help me figure my life out...because sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing.


i just finished reading

it was really good. The Author: Sarah Addison Allen has only written 3 books, and I've finished all of them since i started "one click" shopping at Amazon.com last week.

she writes in this enchanted sort of magical realism. where its not surprising that eating in apple will show you your future, or baking a cake will give people hope.

its beautiful

i mean at the end of a day its a romance story just like every other book...but there's more there. there' are lives,

"There was a type of craziness caused by long-term complacency...There were
midlife crises and hot flashes. There were bad decisions. There were affairs.
There was a certain point when sometimes someone said, I've just had
enough.

and fears,

"Being left makes you doubt your ability to keep people, even friends." pg.
198

and hopes. and

"So, you're back."
"i'm back."
"I'm glad."
Sydney shook her head. This was an unexpected turn to her day. You are,
quite possibly, the first person to actually say that to me."
"Well, the best things are worth waiting for."

goodbyes.

Fred was left to watch him go. "I used to overhear the checkout girls int
he break room," Fred finally said softly to no one in particular. Evanelle
wondered if he even remembered she was there. "I used to think they were such
silly teenagers. believing the worst hurt in the world was when you couldn't let
go of someone who had stopped loving you. They always wanted to know why. Why didn't the boy love them anymore? They said it with such anguish."
Without another word, Fred turned and walked away.

and forevers

"No one I know has ever had this forever."
"I think of the future all the time. All of my life I've chased dreams of
what could be. For the first time in my life, I've actually caught on." He
kissed her again before grabbing his shirt and standing. "I'll give you one
day at a time Claire. But remember, I'm thousands of days ahead already."
pg. 233

I love books like that. books that just take the words right out of your soul...and give them back as if you never knew that they took them

"It feels like he's taken your heart, doesn't it?...Like he's reached in and
pulled it out from you. And I bet he smiles like he doesn't know, like he
doesn't know he's holding your heart in his hand and you're dying from him." The Sugar Queen Sarah Addison Allen

words you've thought. and words you've always wanted to here

"I spend so much time telling myself that this wasn't home that I started
to believe it," she said carefully. "Belonging has always been tough for
me."
"I can be your home," he said quietly. "Belong to me." The Girl Who
Chased the Moon Sarah Addison Allen

now i have to find a new author. The problem with reading everything someone has ever written is that you're constantly looking for someone else to read....

well thats all for now...maybe i'll actually formulate my thoughts into a real entry later on....



if not...well than i'm sure there will be tons to talk about when i get back from the beach

are you ready?

i went out with Bran yesterday. Its nothing out of the ordinary. we've been having movie dates for the last 5 years...but it feels like things are changing...and the thought kind of terrifies me

my mother was actually awake when he came to pick me up. so was anneliese, so he finally got to meet her. she didn't hate him. thats the affect Bran has on people. no one can hate him. its not possible.

my mother has loved bran since the first moment she saw him. i had forgotten how long it was since she's seen him, since i've seen him every year (minus the 2 we don't speak of) and i guess i've become accustomed to him in that way. she couldn't stop gushing over the changed i've never noticed.

oh my goodness. you've grown. look Meghan, look how tall he is. But you
still have that baby face. awww, Bran, you're so cute. still cute, you were
always so cute

he laughed. in that good natured way that is brandon.

oh my goodness. listen to your voice. its gotten so deep. Meghan, did you hear
how deep his voice is...

i never noticed, but i guess thats how it goes. you don't notice something right in front of you. you don't see the subtle changes until someone else points them out.

this morning my mother told me she'd date Bran if she was my age

what? a handsome black man going places, are you kidding me? yeah i'd date him.
he's a catch. i don't know what's wrong with you...you need to scoop that up...

my sister even gave me the eye.

i don't know what has come over everyone.



i told my mother the thought terrified me.

what if it doesn't work out...then not only have i lost him...i've lost my
best friend

she looked at me, as serious as she's ever been

than don't let them...

as if it were that easy.


the situation between the two of us has been so complicated it would take years to untangle them all. but it all comes down to the basic fact that

he deserves better

and i don't know if he knows it, but i do and thats scarier than anything else. that if he were to ever realize that it would break my heart.

i usually avoid situations like this. running from people that i consider better than me. smarter than me, doing more than i could possibly imagine doing...if you're a faithful reader you've probably already figured that out. my insecurity probably stems from the Bran situation. the constant knowing that his waiting was more than i could ever deserve.

more than anyone could

and


i dunno



it scares me

to be so vulnerable in that way



i;d prefer my vulnerability in putting too much faith in people. expecting too much for them. wanting too much. waiting too long

i prefer to be the bran in my relationships


i'm absolutely terrified to be the me there

and to be expected of.





to both want more....












but who ever said growing up was ever going to be easy?

listen to my words

"well if i can teach you anything don't do what i did. focus 100% on you! be completely selfish for the next 5 years. go to school, travel, date, have fun. don't waste time on men who don't deserve you. when it's not fun anymore, bounce. make them meet you at your level. do no settle. and don't limit yourself. the world is big. love comes at all ages."

my sister told me that sometime last summer. sometimes her words of wisdom just come back to me.

they mock me usually.

little things someone had told me, but i didn't listen to. but i want those words pasted on my forehead so i have to read them every time i look in the mirror. i want them tattooed to my heart. i want a constant reminder of it.

i want it to be my alarm clock in the morning and my lullaby at night.

and i want to sing it as a hymn to my daughters.

"want more, my loves.

demand more, my sweet.

know that no one will ever deserve you"


and i want them to believe it.


and then i'll show them what love really looks like...even if i was too young to realize it and then too old to say i'm sorry when i did

::selection of untitled by Virus::

i concur
and i nicknamed you earth, because i thnk the world of you
even from a world or two,
away
i'd poke my eyes out
just to be a blind
man, and read the braille along the
firmness of your skin
the temptations
sung, the sensations
brung me a
pen
i'd sacrifice my poetry for you
not just for anyone, for you
not just for everyone, for you
i do not need you to be behind me,
i want you
to be beside me. side by side
strive to be
more than us. more than just
a relationship
but a relation with out inner selves.

sometimes words are enough

we interrupt the regularly schedules broadcast-

I've never been big on purchasing music. I think it has a lot to do with being the youngest in the 21st century. If i couldn't find it among the collection my sister, brother or their friends then I would probably find it at Jessica's house. I think the first CD i actually purchased- on the day of its release and in general- was N'SYNC no strings attached. I later used the same CD in a fashion show on a kilt I made for Kenny.

I just have never seen the point. I guess its because i think music is universal. Its meant to share and enjoy and help us relate to each other and grow and accept and let go...a million and one things that shouldn't be hindered with nickles and dimes

but thats not exactly fair to the people who make a living out of it

maybe they should invest in other things- like Apple, or itunes or limewire


i think the best music comes from the people who struggle to get it out. Like the best basketball is in college, when everyone is fighting to make it into the NBA, once you're in you're doing just enough to stay and not get injured, but on the way up you nearly kill yourself in trying to be the best.

i think artists best CDs are their first. when they are fighting for studio time, and fame and fortune and proving to everyone else that they deserve to be where they are.

then after that all the money get in the way and its not the same anymore




but once in a while there's an artist who is so talented they make me over look all of my negativity. An artist who has so much to say and so much to do they make me actually want to drive down to a tower records stand in line to hold a hard copy of their work.

right now that artist is Drake.


hopefully it will remain that way, but i tend to let go of things rather easily.


but i find him a breath of fresh air. someone with something to say. without an agenda to get him and the rest of his homies famous.

i'm intrigued by him. and i'm relieved to finally feel that way.


his album comes out June 15th, and i am already planning on the drive, and the line and fighting tweenagers down aisles so that i can have one of the last copies of a new album. to say i was on of the million to dish out $15+. we voted and showed that we approve. we believe in this one

we have listened and not been disappointed

i have yet to be disappointed

and that says a lot about a black man in america....

ok...i'm finished now

Saggitatius (Nov. 22- Dec21)
You will want to go over facts of a past encounter again and again, but nothing is likely to clarify anything further for you


sometimes its funny when your horoscope hits too close to home...sometimes it's not. i'm not quite sure what this is an example of...it just is...


i wish i had the horoscope that warned me of everythign in the beginning.

::pause::

(sry had to find it)

Aries (March 21-April 19) ............................................ April 7, 2010
You may be trying to relive something that was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It may be time to move on freely

- - -

and then i was watching the Lakehouse this weekend and a quote jumped out andkicked me in the face

". . . I found you and I let myself get lost, lost in this beautiful fantasy when time stands still, but its not real, Alex. I have to learn to live the life I have got. please don't write anymore. Don't try to find me. Let me let you go." Kate

i think the lord, just stepped in and told me to get over it

well, hello past. haven't seen you in a while...

so i had a flash back this weekend. i went up to McDaniel and saw my buddy Tos and she brought up our friend Shalanda's wedding. She asked me if there was someone else there that i knew...that didn't go to school with us.

i said yes...i went to high school with this girl named Adrian...why was she talking shit?

of course she was...why did i even ask

supposedly she said how i used to be really cool until i started dating this guy and then i lost my mind.

i laughed

cracked up that something that happened 5 years ago was still showing up wherever i turned. it was hilarious in its simplicity

that no matter how far you go...you can't escape your past. and it was such a past...

i hit up Brandon. I had to tell him. I had to tell someone. Matt wouldn't understand, Ryan isn't a reliable enough penpal...and i don't talk to anyone else who would know. would understand.

who'd laugh


he didn't. i should have expected that. i should have known my hidden anger would be expressed in him. he was furious.

explosions of anger

WTF. That was 5 years ago!

i told him i was mad. that it was funny that she would say anything. she wasn't even there when everything went down. it didn't matter...

it was one of those moments we both realized that something would never change. somethings were ingrained in what people thought of us. years and years later.

and its funny that this all came about after i found my xanga. after i started to remember. but let me go back. come with me and see where this all started.

. . . .

I was 16 when i met them both. Ryan and Brandon. I met them and had no idea that they knew each other...but i probably should have. they reminded me of each other. the little things they said. the little ways they acted. but i didn't know.

My father had started acting crazy and i didn't make the field hockey team and 100 other things that ruin the lives of teenagers had my signing up to manage the football team at my high school. I was notoriously shy with people i didn't know, so i don't know how i got myself to do it...but i did. it was me, a tall skinny girl named bonnie and a tall round one name Ana and that was it. the 3 of us where ever they went. whatever they did.

Bonnie fit in better. she knew them. she had been a manager for 2 years already and she loved the team and they loved her. they accomodated Ana because she was a part of the packaged deal. it was a different kind of love i guess. Bonnie, a girl they could chill with and take home to mom, Ana who could chill. and me...who stayed on the outskirts...but was a part of the team eventually.

Ryan was on the team too. I don't know when i noticed him. when we first spoke. he was a running back. not because he loved football, but because he hated cross country and had to stay in shape for track- his true passion.

he was what all high school crushes were made of. tall and chocolate with a smile like sunshine...and innocence. or what i thought was innocence. and i was lost. hopeless lost in everything that made up

him.

i knew my role. as friend. i knew he had a gf. not at first, but eventually. the on again off again relationship that made up his identity at school. but it was always there. in the back of my mind...but i was used to being the little sister.

i don't know when he got my number, but he never called. he'd text though. that was when i couldn't text back. and i'd wait all day until football practice when it was just him and i on the sidelines.

our little inside jokes. our little laughs. our secret smiles....everything and nothing. and heaven.


i met brandon in class. he sat behind me in physics. he was what bestfriends were made of. tall, and sturdy and honest. loyal to a fault. and knowledge, where ryans innocence was. and laughter to mask the pain that was always gently hidden inbig brown eyes.

i turned around one day and saw his sketch book and was intrigued by him. intrigued with what made up

him...

he always could make me laugh. always had a story. and always was looking and watching and knowing.

it's so long ago i can't tell you how i found out that they knew each other. i can't tell you how little things turned out and became what they did. but it was them. the two best friends and me....and it changed everything the 3 of us.

i went to prom with Brandon. Asked him because i liked him and i knew we'd have fun.
it was the same week Ryan sent me a letter. he told me he always wished we'd been together. that he wasn't happy with her. that he'd always care about me

we all sat in the same limo. all three of us. with dates and extra.

and after prom brandon told me he loved me

and after graduation i started dating ryan


in the selfish innocent way of children. i wanted. so i had. and i apologized every stop of the way. but i wanted to love too. i wanted to know what it felt like to be loved....

it was only 6months. maybe 3 of actually being together before he left for school. he broke up with me in january. i was heart broken until june when i met tyler and tried to make him everything ryan could never be.


and i'd come home for summers and find my brandon. my sweet brandon. the only one i ever come back to. the only one i ever apologize too. the only real constant in my life.



and i ran away to mcdaniel to get away from the glares i received. the judgement fromt he people i went to school with. remember the day Davon and i talked

i thought you hated me

i didn't hate. i was disappointed

in me?

i never thought you'd do something like that.

but i guess it doesn't matter how far you run... it all came back at a wedding. years later. by a girl who actually had gradauted before anything went down.

and some how i ended up the guilty party all over again. but i've learned to keep my life a little quieter these days. I don't date people others know...and i don't tell people who i'm friends with...and i never let go of the people who matter.


and i know that brandon is too good for me...and deserves so much better than me. and ryan will always be my first love...no matter how many times i hate him.

and that i'm still me at the end of the day...

and i will never regret that

hello sun light, hello moon shine

so there's a place across the street from where i work. Its called cosmos and it literally serves everything from Sushi to pancakes to fried plantain.

i haven't decided if i love it or hate it

but i think its a perfect example of America.

forget the concept of a mixing bowl. we didn't mix. we each have our own little container and you can pick and choose what you on your plate and you can go to the same place to get it all, but you know what goes best with what and you know who's going to get what. and it all goes down with a nice over priced soda

any whoo.

its friday and beautiful about. ridiculously gorgeous out.

i want to swim in this weather. wear it like a skirt and twirl in it. envelop myself and sleep in it.

just never get away from it...

well maybe in the shade...but i love looking out the window at it.


i finished my application for HCA. I actually stopped typing to take it to the fedex drop point in the building

i'm praying for positive answers

i'm praying

that alone is a lot



i had to include a writing sample - and that sent me back to my old school email. in a folder called "papers" which was filled with a hundred things other than papers. I found something from Upton's class that sounded good. and text conversation copied and pasted and AIM and photos and

memories

that i had forgotten

probably on purpose


and i realized - that - sometimes you get what you deserve

and you reap waht you sow


and sometimes you don't...you don't deserve it at all



life in unpredictable that way.



the things you find in old folders in dusty corners


going up to mcdaniel today. its the day before graduation, but thats not why i'm going. i'm going because i need recommendations mailed out asap. and no one is answering emails so i'm going to slip them under doors or in campus mail or whatever it is i have to do to get things done


i just need things done

and time to move on


new roads to travel and new light to travel by


i think its time to see a new angle of the moon