one day at a time

I'm starting to hate my job....and its rather unfortunate.

given that I actually used to look forward to coming to this place



someone asked me the other day if i liked my job...and it actually took me a minute to figure out what it was that I wanted to say.
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"i love my job description...now all the extra crap i do. no i don't like that."

i hate coming home to complain about this place, but I can't seem to remember any of the funny moments. i can't seem to remember what i spent 20 minutes laughing about or the game i played with misti or the way rikia's baby kicked when she heard my voice or the 10 seconds of down time when i got to gchat with my brother...


all i remember is how many times the phone rang and how terry refused to answer it. or the 30 emails i got from dawn talking about the travel i don't need to schedule until november. or the memo that disappeared between here and 10A. or the woman who comes to my desk and talks to me like i'm a child. or the questions i was asked. or the work i was given. or the work that i did that i shouldn't have had to do.


and i'm just tired of complaining about this place.


i told the other contractors that i'm looking for other things. that it wasn't the money that was keeping me here...but maybe it is...because if it wasn't for the money i wouldn't be here either.


i'm just tired of this place now.



school is going well. i don't know if i'm taking it seriously. i don't know if i ever really took school seriously. it was never so hard that i really needed to. i'm taking the LSAT again in december. I'm heading to Morgan tomorrow to submit the rest of my application for an M.A. in History. I'm just spreading everything out wide...and hopefully something gets picked up. I just need something to get picked up.

BearBear is planning to start school in the spring. He's excited I can tell. excited about playing college ball...but worried about school and homework. I told him he'd be fine. that i'd be here if he needs any help. I think i'm worried as well. but not about that. but that he'll love it. the way i loved college. the freedom. the excitement. college is like nothing else you'll ever experience.


i want him to love it.


and i'm terrified all at the same time.



i'm glad he's finally doing what he wants to do.



we're heading to the redskins game on sunday. we have pretty amazing seats. he was supposed to go with his ex. they'd bought tickets over the summer. he was still planning on going in july when he told me he was just going to friends. i told him to go ahead and go...i think he was terrified of the consequences.

i have a crazy Jamaican side in me. I never knew it until recently.

there are moments when suddenly i hear my cousin Toya's voice escape my body. i feel her head twist back and forth and her hands clap to the beat of her words and when i realize its coming from me...that calm...measured...rage...i realize that blood run thick.


i'm starting to like that side of me.


it amuses aaron at the same time that it flusters him.

he accustomed to my calm. he accustomed to my tears. he's not accustomed to my voice anymore.


she's not going anymore.

moments after purchasing the tickets richard told aaron that he was going to surprise him with the seats. she'd given him the tickets...probably with the stipulation that i not go...probably with the stipulation that he not go either.

i heard them talk about it...in codes and silence and...next to me. lol. i listened because he stayed there so i could. i told him he could still go...that i could use these tickets. he twisted his lips and said "with who? Brandon"...the newest person he hates.

i laughed and told him he was dumb.

i prefer his sarcasm to his silence.



just taking things one day at a time.

one day.


and 3 years




and 4 months




at a time

i feel like I'm in an episode of cheers

so it looks like the old crew is all back together again...

strangely enough i'm pretty sure none of us saw this coming...maybe our parents did. who knows. i guess i should give some background- i'm not sure if i ever told this from where it began-

it started with wade and nicole. they met in middle school i think. 8th grade and dated non stop (or later i found out- on and off) for years. she lasted through everyone elses relationship. aaron and jordana. sam and someone. richard and...well i don't know if richard ever really dated anyone. nicole lasted...well everyone else faded...

and then richard became one with ashley. they met in school. nicole and ashley hit it off...or were forced to after forced interaction since wade and richard had become best friends.

and then i came along. i didn't meet either one of them for years...but shay followed with sam and we hti it off (i'm sure i mentioned the downfall of that one.)

there are side stories. a valentines day we were forced to sit together. birthday parties. new years. vacations. events that should have been single...but weren't.... but we all managed. the point of this story is the exits.


ashley went first. shortly after graduation. she lived in penn and he lived in md and the distance simply became too much. i didn't particularly care for him so i didn't think much of it...plus i had been in attendance when he started hitting on out waitress when his gf wasn't around and i thought he was wack to begin with...

then nicole. she received a phone call from the other girl that he was sleeping with and she dipped. it wasn't surprising after he came to a party at my school and tried to sneak into the bedroom of one of my younger housemates...i jokingly told that to nicole once...she later told me that she wished she'd paid more attention to my story. she packed up her stuff and disappeared for a year.

and then i did. finally i couldn't deal with everything that had went up and fell down and simply needed somewhere to stand where the floor stayed beneath me...

then shay. on and off and on again. i think she stayed the longest.


wade had nene and then daphney and then nene and then daphney and then...well you get the point...

and aaron had khalilah

and richard had...well i dunno who richard had but he said that their relationship was open...i'm not sure what she said.

we won't talk about the others...


there were vacations. and birthday parties. and family events. and a history there...

ashley came back first. just sort of appeared as if she had never left.

then i did. an email that turned into more and the usual ups and downs and round and rounds that make the world wind that in our relationship.





and finally nicole.


no one saw that coming.





they say she called him out of the blue. just called to say that she had forgiven him. just that. she didn't trust him, but she forgave him.

they hung out.


he said he wasn't feeling it. he just wasn't there anymore


women only want you when you're up. they only want you when everythings going for you and they want your money...

he ranted and raved and complained to them.




aaron told me nicole wanted to have a game night on saturday and we were all invited.

i stopped.


nicole? i thought you said he wasn't feeling her...


he shrugged...i don't even know...but you wanna go?


who's everyone?


wade-nicole, richard-ashley, sam-shay...why?


shrugs...just wondering. last time you said everyone...well it was everyone. just making sure...


he looked at me. shook his head and laughed...



and so there's the plan. we'll see if actually happens. there's a history here. not just between the men- but between the women too.

things aren't as secretly nice and cozy as they used to be...







its just funny how we all came back.






i think its just a time. right after graduation. a moment when women realize that something shifted. life just alters out of the blue. your friends are getting married. people aer moving out. and here you are...where you were years ago going through the same shit that had happened before. i expected life to change once i got home...and it didn't. or it did...but not the way i expected it to.


i think we needed to learn that we could live without it. without the comfort we were used to. that we could survive on our own if we needed to. that we deserved more. that we could do worse or better or in between.


we needed to learn where we wanted to be...



i resented her because she had what i did not during our silence...but i can't.


i resent what she had. that she was there...but not what we needed to learn.

maybe i needed to learn that i could survive without your loving

and maybe...maybe you needed ot learn that you could survive and be loved...

i can't resent that.

the strange moments that make up life...and growing up...and adolescents and adulthood. these are the moments that make us who we are.

its strange how things turn out.



life is funny that way

during online Civil Procedure class

I love my teacher

i love my class mates

i love the highlighters i use in the text books

i have literally know idea what this woman is talking about...

'

passing this class is based soley on

how charming my personality is....

because this is greek to me

or latin

- - -

I really need to get back to my schedule of updating more often. there are a hundred moments throughout the day when i think "i can't wait to write about this..." and then i never get around to it...

and days later when i think back...it just doesn't seem to shine the way it had on the first day.

class is going.

civil procedure has become the class to dread. our teacher started off by saying that she took an entire semester on chapter 4...and we were going to do it in 2 days

yeah...

- - - -



i started writing that last week. obviously it proves that my posting skills are in need of help.



he's talking to her again.





i wish i didn't know. i wish i didn't look. i wish i could pretend like it wasn't happening...but i've never been that girl.



wade's helping. i wish i didn't know that either.





but birds of a feather...





i wish i could escape this flock...







i wish i was never in it to begin with...













i wish i listened to my own advice.

i wish i knew what i was looking for every time i went looking for something

i wish what i was looking for would just appear without me searching. that they were bold enough to just let me know...at least then...at least then i'd know...

i wish i didn't keep asking for a sign...

i wish i hadn't started all of these as wishes...now i can't seem to stop.

i just want it all. i want my fairy tale and my dream come true. i want you to want me as much as i want you...

and i don't want to worry about it anymore.

and i feel like every time i'm not there...you forget.

i wish i knew what you wanted.

i wish i knew what i did....

i wish things were different this time around...

i wish that wishing...did more....than make me realize...

everything i want

and don't have...

and how much more i want...






i wish dreams came true...

sweet as icing

i have a friend who used to get into the most ridiculous fights with her boyfriend.

hardcore

serious

tackle each other in the street

pull out a knife

and burn anniversary pictures


kind of fights.


fights that she'd tell me about and i wouldn't know if i should laugh or tell her boyfriend to run away while he could.



they got married last may.


a beautiful wedding where i cried. i wrote about it on here. trying to find the right words to explain how happy i was for them.


and i sat there and remembered when we went to dinner and they would laugh about their fights. laugh about how irrational the other person was. tear each other apart with smiles and then go home together at the end of it all.

i remember when she so simply told me that this was what God had planned for them and they knew it...so regardless of the fights and the misunderstandings...they just knew that they would still be together at the end of it. that was what kept them going...and kept them knowing that the fights were only for today.



i think she's rubbing off on me.



and we've gotten to the point where after its over we can laugh




its taken us years to get here...i hope it stays



we had a good weekend.


its been so long since we've had one. with everything else getting in the way. everyone one. every memory. finally we had a weekend where it just was....

...good...

i don't really know what else to say. i just kind of want to wade in this feeling of contentment and avoid any possible clouds. i told him we may as well just talk about our issues...since we both know at the end of the day we're both going to be here looking at each other.

it the simple arrogance between the two of us.

the understanding

that at the end of the day.

regardless...


we're both coming back....

...and we have no idea why we do...

but sometimes its just ok to now know. i'm ok not knowing.


and i hope that for as long as this lasts. this moment.

that its as sweet as it was waking up next to him on saturday morning. with my niece screaming between us.

the moment he picked her up and walked out of the room to parade her around.


its those little icing days that make things worth waiting for

jumbled together

i've been neglecting you, my sweets. To be completely honest I come on here every morning. I type and type and type and right before I submit i stop and htink about it and press save instead.

i'm a chicken i guess.


or i can't seem to place my words in a way that actually mean what i'm trying to say


everything gets jumbled up...and i get mad all over again. or sad. or needy...or....nothing. just numb and ocnfused and i'm back to not really knowing why i started typing in the first place.


so instead i'll write about something else.




i ordered my books today. late as usual. i had to wait until i got paid, and last pay check went to the vacation that i'm not sure if i told you about or if i saved it to look over later....i haven't quite figured that one out.


i'mleaving in a couple of minutes to go purchase the rest of my books. I actually need 2 for homework and the last ende dup being more expensive on line than the school book store.

i've been thinking a lot recently. nothing new i guess. whenever we play this game and dance this dance. trying to see who will end up with the power in the relationship i start to think.




to think if....

...i wanna do this anymore....



if i want this to be my life

my future


this constant game...




someone asked me what do i love about him. and i said his values. his love- for his family his friends

his loyalty


they said - to who?


and it made me think.



he's loyal to me...in that even constant understanding that he'll always come home. at the end of the day. at the end of the game. he'll always end up on my doorstep with the crooked smile and his nonchalant shrug...


but is it really fair to either one of us. we know we love each other. we know we belong together...but our way of showing that is by torturing each other until we'd rather just go...

just to come back




i'm so tired of making up...




i read a blog today. i've read it before. but i saw something different this time. each time i do...and it makes me realize how needy we all are sometimes. how needy i am for him. and for love and for affection...and commitment...and how needy he is as well


and i know if it weren't me it would be someone else. but for some reason there's something that always brings up back.

something...




and my biggest fear...is that we'll wake up one day



and that

something



will be

gone

you know its almost fall...

when old friends start popping out of the woodwork. and mornings are darker when text messages come in from strangers bringing up memories of when you once called them friends.

thats seems to happen more often these days...much like last year at this time. when suddenly people i hadn't seen in years became the center of my existence for the few months after graduation where i couldn't figure out where my feet should land.


talking to jemar always makes the world flip around a little. even the first time we spoke, in the middle of a group interview, where i couldn't figure out how i was supposed to answer i looked up and saw a behemoth trying not to laugh at me from across a conference room and it just seemed as if he'd always been there...right on the edges of my stories for year.

we weer good friends simply because we didn't know how to be anything else. and as all good friends we vanish for years simply to walk back in and act as if we'd never left.

::word on the street is that you hate me. but as you know i'm not from the street

so i wanted to ask you myself::

he always gets straight to the point.

he sent a short straight to the point message. he asked questions about things we had once talked about. he questioned my future plans. he asked about my family.

and he never gave me an option to disappear


::you don't have to friend me on facebook. i understand....but please respond::

it took me a couple of hours to find the wording to tell him to never contact me again. the way i had in march and february and december and november.

when he proved to be less of a friend than i needed him to be.



instead i said

::oh the streets...how i love hearing what they have to save about me.

i don't hate you- simply because i don't see you enough to remember to::

i answered his question. i didn't add any of my own. i told him what the streets had remarked about him.

and only inquired once about his dog....


he's that friend that will probably always hop in and out as is convenient for him. like brandon...but...inconsequential in comparison.


i think shared tears make people bond for life.

and though i wish we'd never had those moments. those calls where i sobbed asking him why my love couldn't love me...and he'd tell me the male point of view and tell me to buck up...but would call back two days later to make sure i was ok.


and the day funeral when i first saw his shoulder slump. standing beside the hearse, surrounded by his teammates, but a head above the crowd...i saw a quiver go down his spine....i don't know how i made it to him. i had been almost a block away when i saw him break. the team was crowding around...people were everywhere and couldn't even be seen above the crowd...but i remember making it there and just stopping. and looking at him as he hung his head down. the first time i saw that giant of a man let his chin fall and i didn't know what else to do but hug him.

he told me a year later, laughing, that it felt like a child wrapped around his knees...but i remember hearing him gasp for air between his sobs. his hand covering his face while he held on to me as if a drowning man seeking land...


none of his teammate speak about that day. but i remember it. i remember when i let go turning and seeing other reach out for me. for comfort that no one else was there to give.

i think the sealed our place in each others lives.

that moment.


those moments

at funerals.