hey mommy

looky what i found while cleaning out my McDaniel email account. This first email i sent my mom after i moved into mcdaniel. lol. oh the memories.

> Hey Mommy,
> I thought I'd tell you the goings on. So I've just realized that I'm going
> to not just a party school but THE PARTY SCHOOL! I mean the upperclassmen
> moved in sat. and sunday and with them came the parties. Of course before
> they came Casey was still dealing with hang overs every monday, but there
> were like 5 parties yesterday. And we were asking the RA's about getting a
> taxi to go to a club or somethign and they said there there wasn't really
> anything for a couple of weeks until there were shuttles to
> Baltimore...until then there were the Garden Apts. And when i say
> apartments I mean the rusty prijects behind Rouzer. So We heard of a party
> in Rouzer and then some football player was trying to persaude me to go to
> a party at his apartment. I didn't feel like going, so i was just gonna
> watch movies in my room and one of the few black girls came and was
> watching movies and nigga fell asleep on my bed...and wounldn't budge for
> like 3 hours and i was stuck in my computer chair (hence why i bought a
> chair at WalMart...so visitors could sit there and not sleep on my bed...)
> Anyway the other girls decided to go. Erin went with the cross country
> team....then Joanna and a bunch of other girls went to different parties
> at Rouzer and the apartments. Whit ended up coming back cuz she didn't
> wanna drink, but the power went out in her room so she went to sleep in a
> friends room in ROuzer. The other girls came back areound 12 completely
> GONE! They wer shouting and touchy feeling and laughing...and annoying.
> And the make matters worse they left a girl with some random guy in his
> room...cuz he was cute...
>
> so they come and then after telling stories of how the drank and made out
> with random ppl...they went to leave again. By now Matt is cracking up adn
> Brandon is ready to come and beat them up for me...and I'm just ready to
> go to bed. SO they leave again and Christina leaves her keys, so they come
> back to get it with two drunk senior guys who are trying to get them to
> sleep with them...not cool...
>
> so i let them in and go back to sleep. They came back at around 5 in th
> morning whil i pretended to sleep...and then woke up around 8 in the
> morning...
>
> so my roommate isn't too bad. I mean she's sorta annoying. she talks A Lot
> and she's really self concious. Like ont he first day she started crying
> cuz she was talking about how ppl talk about how fat she is...well i'm
> sure its gonna irk me in a couple months...right now i just pretend like i
> don't hear her sometimes...i know its mean...but what else can i
> do...she's like rooming with Charlotte sometimes...
>
> well we have nothin to do until 6 tonight...so i think I'll take a nap or
> write my paper...or something...
>
> I hope you're having fun. I MISS YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
> ::kisses::
> -Holly
>
> P.s. hope you enjoyed the update
>


Thanks for the update. Glad you're having fun and handling your business. Hope the girl who fell asleep in your bed wasn't that one that Aunt Na told you not to hang out with. Remember your purpose in life and your reason for chosing a higher education, it'll help you focus on the most important things. I love you and miss you a bunch too! Remember THEY party different, (black anglish for differently).Mom

ready or not

Mario came over yesterday.

I've never mentioned him here. or in any blog i've ever had, which is strange seeing that he's the only constant male in and out of my life. I've known him since...the time of bar mitzvahs...if that seems accurate. he was my sister's first college boyfriend. They dated or actually never actually dated, but they something for a year and a half...but during that "something" they changed. and life has never been the same for either one of them.

They have known each other for a decade now.

10 years of ons and off and never really ons, but something close to it.

I always say i love like Kathy and heathcliffe. but i didn't know what that kind of love was until Mema and Mario. They just

love

and never meet in the middle



but we all know they will


one day.


He shows up. randomly. completely out of the blue. for a day. and when when he's here its like he's always been here. since the first day when he walked in our house, 6'7" of lanky puerto rican nonsense. wife beater with not shirt on, and just joy. my mother says he walked in like he was her son.

and he did.

he just immediately was one of us.

my mother always referred to him as her son-in-law. that she loved him. but not for mema. not yet.


but she dreamt of him. of him and mema. and two little girls in white dresses. and a little boy with big brown eyes.

that was years ago. before a little boy with brown eyes. and two little girls born months apart.

but it was there. all along.



he comes and goes. its usually 7 years between me seeing him. but he comes in like the big brother i miss without realizing how much i miss him.

and he gives advice about relationships. And remembers stories i've told. and asks about people i've mentioned.

he has his favorites too.

he always liked him.

how ironic.


he asks about poetry. it was the connection mema and him always had in common. it was what we had in common too. but meghan said he would never be on her level. somehow he reached it.

i guess thats how mario and i have always gotten along. i play his part in the story of my life.


mario asked me what happened. I told him- to a certain extent. he asked how old he was. i said my age. he shook his head.

thats a bad age. let him go. he'll go and see whats out there. mess around for a
little. but he'll come back. trust me. i know. he'll realize. and he'll come
back.

i usually believe everything mario says, this isn't one of those times. but it'll be nice to see at least one of us having our happy ending.


he told mema i was like his little sister. that we had spoken. i'd told her, but not about everything we said.

you're the one i've always seen settling down with my sister. my mother
considers you her son-in-law. but not until you're ready. don't hurt her again.

he gave her a deadline this time. of what he would do. how long it would take. and when he would be ready.

no questions.

no options.

just facts.


ready or not- this was it. they had played the game before. they knew the outcome since the beginning.

you're my heart, meghan. you're my soul. there were other people, but none of
them touched me like you did. its always been you.

lol. the irony.

its always been you.

ummm . . . . goodbye

you know what i hate . . . .

people that cancel dates at the last second . . . . through text message . . . and don't call . . . . and then text the next day like we're still friends . . .

we've already had this friends talk, remember.





strike out, buddy.

damn you AAA

I was late for work today.

dreadfully late for work.

so late i actually considered calling in sick, before realizing i'm still in my 3 month probationary period- thus i've only accrued 6 sick hours- not enough to take a day off....so i came in.

my battery was dead. its becoming a habit of mine to leave the lights on on my car- like i'm testing the fates to see if maybe, just maybe they'll let me off once.

they never do.

i had to call AAA and i got in an argument with the woman who swore there was an address to the parking lot i was sitting in, and then acted like i was lying about my membership because i didn't know my father's address...i almost asked to speak to her supervisor. . . . i controlled myself somehow and didn't.

but i wanted to.

now i'm here with absolutely nothing to do. as usual. i kind of wish i'd just slept in and came in late- at least then i wouldn't be nodding off right now.

switching topics. I was going through one of the many boxes from school that i never unpacked and found yet another vault of poems and letters. talk about too soon. I'd almost forgotten about these ones. but in my heart i knew there were more.

they stole my heart all over again.

more than they had the first time

they broke my heart this time too.

there was so much more there- that i didn't allow myself to see the first time. so much more meaning in each syllable. so much more heart in each word.

i wonder how i responded then.

i wonder how i'd respond now.

i told tosin. she told me to burn them so they wouldn't make me cry.

the thought of doing that made me cry harder.

so i hid them from myself instead. in a terribly inconvenient place where i probably won't go into for months- maybe years.

she asked me what i'd do when i did. i said i'd probably cry all over again. but i didn't want to think about that now. just taking each second as each second comes.

my sister said that that was his game. those were his lines. he used the same on her 3 years later. the same on others months later. i shouldn't let it get to me. but i don't know if i'm really mad at him . . . . or at myself. at my own fear. my own insecurity.

i want to say what happened was meant to happen. but i feel like that fox in that fable who swore the grapes were sour just because he couldn't reach them.

i wish i remembered the moral of that tale

but if we were together would he have grown? would i have? would we have stay where we were? would we still be? would we have loves? would we have gotten hurt? where would i be now?

who would i be now?

i did what i thought would keep us all safe.

i thought if we did try- than in the end he would leave- we wouldn't even be friends at the end of the story

ironically we had the same result- just without the middle . . . . .

. . . .so at the end was it all in vain?

when people say let's just be friends they what they really mean is...

. . . no seriously . . . . stop calling

i don't even want to be friends anymore

please lose my number

i hate you . . . just a little

you once were convenient, but i'm over it now

give up . . . seriously

you haven't taken a hint, but i'm trying to be nice here. go.away.

stop

please stop

immediately stop . . . like yesterday you should have stopped

it's not me . . . it's you

forget we ever met

who are you again?

::i hope we can still be friends::

uh . . . yeah . . . fuck you too . . .

dear you

Dear you,

i've been thinking about you a lot recently. maybe because i haven't heard from you. or maybe because i keep remember the last things you said to me. either way you have crossed my mind from time to time...and i'd write to you, but i know you wouldn't respond....and as much as i enjoy this new game called rejection- i've grown a little too accustomed to it...so i'll just write this and feel better know i said what i wanted to say- even if you never see it.

i miss you. i miss the friendship we used to have. the truce. the balance. the secret that we shared, but somehow lost along the way of growing up. i miss talking to you. and writing to you. and knowing that if anything happened i could count- if on no one else- on you. but i guess our friendship was always one sided in that way.

i never knew if you depended on me quite as much as i always depended on you.

i took that for granted.

i wish you all the best. i wish you sun shine, and happiness, and love. i wish you understanding, and equality, and someone who will understand the three million layers that make up just half of you.

i hope one day we'll meet again. one day we'll speak again. one day you'll see something and remember the small people who were there before everything else began...and maybe in that moment....for just a second...you'll remember me.

i hope you know that you're so much more than anyone ever imagined. that you were so much more than. so intimidating almost, in your yearning for more. more than what we could give you. you wanted to world, but resided in a small town. small towns were never meant to hold you. i hope you have that world. that you take it and own it and be everything you've always known you could be.

i hope you know all the things i was too afraid to tell you. i hope you could understand my fears. i hope you could forgive a silly girl for grown up fears and childish fantasies. i wish...i thousand and one things i don't deserve to...


i pray for you. i'll continue to. and maybe one day....if nothing else we can think of each other and smile.

until then...whenever i look at the stars...they'll remind me of you

-me

....tell me something...

we're going to the chapel and...well you're going to get married

I've be neglecting you, my love. I don't mean to. Its just the inspiration vanished for a little bit.

but i'll try to be more loyal in the future.

lets get you up to date.

Saturday was Shalanda's bridal shower. She gave me the wrong address on the hottest day of the year and i ended up next to Camden yards rather than Columbia in a sun dress that was sticking to my butt in a car that was overheating...i was not a happy camper. When i asked her to send the address again she asked for me to stop and get pens on my way there....if i could have reached through the phone to throttle her i would have.

I finally got there - an hour late- and it was a lot of fun. I was overdressed. but my new philosophy is its better to be over dressed than under dressed. You can't fix it when you're wearing sweats and everyone else is wearing suits. But if you're the one in the suit everyone just feels like they're slacking. lol

It was good to see Shalanda again. To hear her speak about marriage. I remember wishing i was in her shoes...i can't even imagine being there now. When she talks about love, and trust and marriage, i'm such a scenic that i scoff in my head...and hours later i catch her words replaying in my head and i wish...

i wish

i knew what it was to believe them.


she's getting married on May 15th. Less than 2 weeks away. Her and Kiki have an apartment together. a 5 year plan together. a future.

i can't even dream of those things anymore

but i'm happy for them.

i'm happy and envious and ecstatic and over joyed


and hopeful


she had told me exactly what she wanted. went so far as to call me and tell me where to order them. and i did. she said she knew what she wanted and she wanted it from me.

i guess cuz i'm the friend who wouldn't be afraid to buy her underwear for her bridal shower. lol.

and i was that friend. Everyone else got her dishes and a microwave, and gift cards. I got her panties.

i guess they're all necessities at the end of the day.


what i got her was innocent in comparison of what she bought herself. i was proud.


after everyone left we had "the talk." She is the only friend i have who has actually waited until her wedding day. (another thing i can't imagine). She's terrified. I told her it wasn't that big of a deal...then realized how much of a skank that made me sound

"ok. i didn't mean for it to sound that way. it is a big deal. i'm glad you
waited. its the right thing to do. but guys sometimes act like its the end all
be all of life. that its all they think about. all they want to do. that they
can't survive without it. don't get me wrong its good. really good. and
fun...but you can live without it. you can survive without it."

then she asked

"what do you think of oral?"

i said

"yes"

lol. she said she couldn't imagine ever doing it. and the one time he tried she hated it. I told her when you stop stressing and over thinking it its really good. I mean

its the final result without all the work...and sweat.

i told her that i don't enjoy giving because its boring. lol. but i could understand why they like it and why other people do, so don't knock it before you try it i guess. its all about being able to give him that pleasure. like you are willing to do that...selflessly. just for him because you want to.

she told me how scared she was it was going to hurt

"what if i can't walk in the morning"

i laughed. (we all went to school together. and i know someone who did in fact survive and walk away from the experience [awkward...i decided not to mention it])

"everyone says sh- like that...but it never happens. Unless he has 3 legs,
you'll be fine. trust me...you'll be fine."

on another note i heard from my ex. or rather i emailed him because he owes me $160 for his phone bill (before i cut his phone off)

he refused to mail it to.

then asked me if i could help him study for his placement tests for school.


i couldn't find words. i stopped responding to the e-mails at that point.

a day later i wrote a response...but you know what they say- if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

so there it is...blinking away at me in my draft folder on my computer.

how dare you ask me that. how dare you have the gall. how dare
you-
why don't you ask alecia to help you? or any of those other
girls you couldn't get enough of while you were with me-
like i would want to help you succeed after you tore me so
low-
i'm not ready to see you....never ready to see
you...

why wouldn't you love me enough-